Never goes away It remains in the heart Perhaps held at bay Only to surface On another dark day The journey to wholeness May seem endless When you’re feeling hopeless Lost and forgotten Your dreams have escaped you What now is your purpose?
Deep longing Unfulfilled
Be gentle with yourself When in its grip Be kind Take your time And try to understand This pain will guide you To a new place and time Where a light is hiding Waiting to be found It was placed in you at your birth It is the expression Of your beauty Your gift Your true worth
Deep longing Unfulfilled
Grief and sorrow over what is lost Must be honored first Whatever the cost The tide of emotions Inevitable pain Creates a void Leaves a space For something else To take its place Trust that the answers will come Filling that space That hole in your soul Your Godself awaits Joy and passion Will find expression Igniting the light That’s been hiding within
Deep longing Unfulfilled
Always remember The emptiness inside Make a vow right now To never forget Not to dwell Or stay in the darkness But to find compassion And share your light When others are held In its endless grip
Deep longing Unfulfilled
Comes full circle Its purpose revealed When Love is shared Given away This Gift of self Dims the pain Glowing heartspace Returns to you Sustained by Love’s everlasting embrace Its promise yields
"One thing I've learned, as a good friend once told me, 'God doesn't waste a hurt.' I don't believe God causes hurtful things to happen to us; in fact, I believe He's right there with us in our darkest hour crying as deeply as we are over our pain and suffering. I do believe God provides opportunities for us to find and receive His Love in the midst of our deepest sorrow. And He also brings us to healing solutions and discovering ways we can use our experience to help others." ~ C. Burgess
Spring is here
Showing its color
Peeking out from under
Winter’s blanket, soft and warm
The sun brings forth new life in every form
Snow is melting, setting free
Lifeblood of the earth
Waters flow to the sea
The circle of life continues its journey
The wind blows gently
God’s breath, Holy Spirit
Gives life so freely
Whispers of love, you can hear it
All things of the earth
Living, breathing, sacred worth
Their song must be heard
It’s our choice to preserve
This gift from the heavens, so lovely a jewel
God granted this planet, our home for awhile
Treasures upon it for our enjoyment
Survival, recreation, even employment
It sustains our lives, gives food to nourish
Sweet music to listen, and beauty to flourish
We must cherish the value of this great gift
Entrusted to our care
Our home together with all things living
It asks that we learn to share
Survival of the fittest was part of the plan
But killing with malice and raping the land
Was not the intent
We’ve lost respect
Man’s power abused
God is not amused
Creation cries out, her music speaks
Her tone, her rhythm, her very heartbeat
Listen, you can hear the plea
Of nature’s call to you and me
The undertones of pain and suffering
Heard across the planet
Creation groans, asks for an offering
Of peace and good will, our commitment to save it!
Thank you, dear Michael
For sharing your magic
Your wonderment of all things sacred
The moon and the stars
The mysteries of the universe
Your appreciation for beauty and innocence
And your childlike awe at the miracles of nature
As if you were seeing it all for the very first time
Thank you, dear Michael
For inviting me to be a child again
To experience the reverence forgotten
To hold a caterpillar in the palm of my hand
And giggle at the way it tickles
To imagine what lies beyond the stars
And to know that anything is possible wherever you are
Thank you, dear Michael
For the gift of your light and your love
Your heart and your soul
Have become a part of me
Thank you for helping me to feel again
For bringing me back to my heartspace
Reminding me that all that really matters in life
Comes from the heavens above
That music is the only true language of love
And all of creation sings her song
Thank you, dear Michael
For sharing your enchantment
For making it possible to dream
To believe in magic and moonbeams
And to know what you know…
That everything is exactly as it was created to be
And all we need do is open our hearts
To see with new vision what is already there
Thank you, dear Michael
For your message to a world in sorrow
An evening’s sunset
A colorful rainbow
Or a shooting star
To remind us that you are always here
And even from afar
You are guiding us toward a better tomorrow
Those of us who know
We who see
We understand
We’re right where we’re supposed to be
In the light of day
In the sun’s brilliant rays
And in the moon’s glow
We just know what we know
The truth, it is written in the air
We can see it, we can feel it
No longer a mystery
It’s been already there
Our vision has changed
You see, rearranged
By the One who reflects
All our wishes and dreams
Now we see things we’ve never seen before
‘Cause that child came along and opened the door
To our sheltered places
Our comfortable spaces
Shadows danced across the floor
And for the first time we could see their faces
He shined his light in the dark
And showed us the way
He said, now you will know
What I’ve already known
And you won’t need to ask
It’s been already said
Your vision has changed
You see, rearranged
By the One who reflects
All your wishes and dreams
When you look to the moon
On this cold winter’s night
You already know, my love is in its light
A precious gift will soon be revealed
In the glow that surrounds the moon this night
Trust what you see, trust what you feel
You know what’s right
Your hopes and your dreams
They are already there in the circle of life
Take care not to fear
Take care not to doubt
Take care not to question
What this is about
You already know
What you know in your heart
My light has shown you
The way through the dark
Now you see things you’ve never seen before
‘Cause that child came along and opened the door
Your vision has changed
It's been rearranged
By the One who reflects
All your wishes and dreams
Trust what you see, trust what you feel
In the glow that surrounds the moon this night
You need only believe
You know what’s right
Your hopes and your dreams
They are already there in the circle of life
Circle of Life - The Poem: How it came to be... This poem came to be after I had received the wonderful news last week that my daughter and son-in-law are expecting their 4th child! This news by itself would be evidence of the wonderful miracle of life and God’s gift to us; however, there’s more to this story than first meets the eye. You see, their 3rd child, Asher, didn’t make it to full term. For unknown reasons, he died mid-pregnancy and his two older brothers, Aidyn and Avery, would never have the privilege of playing with their little brother whom they were so excited to meet. As with my first two grandsons, I was with my daughter, Kendra and her husband, Matyas, at the hospital on October 1, 2009, for the delivery of our little doll, Asher. We knew he was not alive, so it was a very emotionally intense experience for all of us, but especially Kendra. As she brought forth this precious little being that her body had so lovingly caressed for 4½ months, but who was not to be in this world, she also lost Hope. I saw the light go out in her soul and, as her mother, I felt so helpless to do anything for her. I couldn’t take her pain away. It’s not the same as kissing a 'boo-boo' and making it all better as you do for them when they are young. This was a deep, deep pain that she had to work through herself to come to terms with her grief and anger over this unexplainable loss. I lent my love and support and faith in whatever ways I could in the weeks and months that followed; but, as any mother of a grown child knows, you have to allow them space and time to work things out for themselves - to find their own answers and their own peace in their own time. They may not realize it at the time, but it’s how we love them.
Kendra and Matyas were undecided for some time after October of 2009 as to whether they would try for another child. There was even a period of time when it looked as if it wasn't going to happen. For a while Kendra's grief was intensified by not only the loss of little Asher, but the loss of the possibility of another child. Well, as you know, there IS another child on the way! On the evening of January 17, Kendra shared the good news with me when I was at their house for a visit. I was thrilled, of course, but also filled with concern for her and how she was handling this emotionally. She and I talked for a long time that night about worry, doubt and fear and all I could say to her was "God knows what He's doing... please trust in that!" I was afraid to say "everything's going to be fine" because I really didn't know that, and I didn't want to assure her of something that was yet uncertain. I have no way of predicting the outcome any more than she does, but what I can do is share my faith with her...so I did.
A little later when I left to go home, I stepped outside and, looking up as I always do to find our little moonwalker, I noticed the nearly full moon shining brilliantly through a porthole in the sky. There was a HUGE ring of dense fog around the moon, larger than any I had ever seen. Inside the ring the sky was so clear and bright, I could see all the stars surrounding the moon. It was as if the moon had burned off the fog to create this porthole so I could see it...just for that moment (it was gone by the time I got home.) The sky outside the ring was foggy so the only clear spot was inside the ring and the whole picture looked 3-dimentional! I was mesmerized by this beautiful scene and I stood there for several minutes just absorbing its magic. The first thing that came to mind as I was looking at this miracle of nature was "Circle of Life"... it was HUGE and it was complete, the full circle representing eternity and the ongoing reproduction of life. When I realized what that meant, I started to cry and, looking at the circle again it felt like a big hug...something I'd been asking for in my prayers lately. It was wrapping its arms around me and making me feel warm and secure on this cold winter's night. A beautiful gift of love - like everything was coming full circle and I knew it was going to be alright!
I drove home feeling as if I wanted to call Kendra immediately and tell her of this experience and the powerful sense of assurance I had received. But there was a nagging feeling of concern too that was hanging over me at the same time. I didn't want to give her a false sense of security, because I knew that I still didn't have concrete answers...just a feeling. I also realized that "everything's going to be alright" could mean a variety of things and didn't necessarily guarantee a healthy, full-term baby of the desired gender! I decided to sleep on it and see how I felt in the morning.
When I arrived home I noticed the ring around the moon was gone, so I went inside and spent some time on my computer checking messages and reading over a couple of my blog posts from around Christmas time. When I read the December 17 post, "A Christmas Story: Yours and Mine", I was moved all over again by the story in the song "Old City Bar." It was somewhat related to this 'encounter' I'd had with the circle around the moon. http://mjreflecdtionsheart2heart.blogspot.com/2010/12/christmas-story-mine-and-yours.html
Soon after reading this post, I fell asleep in front of my computer and woke up around 4:00 a.m. with these words in my head: "Those of us who know, Those of us who see, Those of us who understand, We're right where we're supposed to be." That's when I wrote "The Circle of Life". A few days later, I sent it to Kendra, telling her about how the poem came to me and my feeling that everything was going to be alright, adding this:
"Now, what that means, I don't know. I just know we need to trust in God's timing and His love for us no matter what. That's all God asks us to do. If we can let go of our doubts and fears, then we will see that everything in our lives (yes, even the pain and suffering) holds a gift. Being able to trust when you've been hurt so deeply isn't easy... I know, and God knows too. Letting go and handing over the reigns when you have felt betrayed is probably one of the hardest things you'll ever do! It's not that you don't have ANY control over the outcome...you can do everything in your power as a human being to take care of yourself and seek the medical and emotional support that you need to ensure having a healthy pregnancy and to increase your chances of having a healthy baby. This is something you do very well, my dear, and I have every confidence you will do it again this time. All the rest is prayer and trust in God's love for you and your family.
"I knew right away I wanted to share this poem with you, but again I hesitated only because my own doubts started to creep in after some time had passed (as they often do!) and I didn't want to give you 'false hope'. After a little more time, I thought 'There is no such thing as FALSE Hope! Hope is HOPE... and Hope is good! Hope is one of God's wonderful gifts - if we don't have Hope, we have nothing!' It is true that sometimes our hopes are not realized, but that is where the trust comes in...and the believing in God's love no matter what.
"So, I've listened to that little voice inside and decided to send you this poem. I hope this touches you, honey, and gives you comfort and HOPE! What this poem did for me was to confirm my own intuition, the feelings I had when I looked at the moon and the words "Circle of Life" came to me and I felt that warm hug of assurance that everything was going to be alright. So I'm passing that assurance on to you." * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
My friends - Now you know....the ressst of the story! (as Paul Harvey used to say)
I am filled with Hope for a beautiful healthy new baby in our family! Please join me in that Hope and in continuing our mission to create a better world for our children and grandchildren to live in! Trust your intuition and use it to be the best that you can be at whatever talents God has gifted to you! And always...put some Love back into the world each day, as Michael so faithfully did throughout his entire life. The Circle of Life continues - generation after generation. And if each generation can help to make things just a little bit better, someday this world may realize Michael's dream of peace, love and joy for all the world's children!
As we begin this season of waiting to celebrate the birth of Jesus, I would like to offer a series of poems and reflections based on the weekly themes of Advent - the first theme being HOPE. The following poem was published in an Advent devotional booklet for my church this year which was written entirely by its members. I am pleased to share it with you here. I fully respect and honor the diversity of beliefs that make up our colorful world - a world that is filled with beautiful and unique individuals, all a part of God’s magnificent Creation. No matter what your beliefs, I think most will agree that there is a power which is greater than ourselves at work in the universe - a power grounded in a great love. My heart extends its warmest wishes to you during this season of Hope, Peace, Joy, and Love!
Remember the Gift
Holy Spirit come, fill me with your love
wash over me, enlighten me, strengthen my belief in Thee
I need discipline to travel, this mystery of life to unravel
I vow to give my best, take time to nurture my faith
let it simmer while I wait
‘til Your guidance reveals which path to take
God of love and compassion
through my trials you have been my constant companion
but my patience is tested when it’s time for a rest
in my prayers I seek answers to my questions
You don’t always lead where I want to go
Your timing is not always mine
please give me the courage to believe what you know
My Creator,
You gave me fire in my spirit
then said, don’t fear it!
be bold, be brave, share the love which I gave you
it is true, it is right
it’s your beauty, your passion, your own special light!
I know what’s beautiful Looking at you Fireflies that light up in the night Dewdrops on a flower in the morning sun Stars that sparkle and dance in the sky A bird singing her lullaby Summer rain, its sweet fragrance filling the air An evening’s sunset that makes me sigh
Through the eyes of a poet You take me there
I know what’s beautiful Looking at you Your smile, so innocent and bright The light in your eyes when you look upon a child The way you just know what’s right Your soul that glows from within Dignity and grace in all its glory Your love that touches me, lends its light
The truth of your heart The telling of your story
I know what’s beautiful Looking at you Sunlight bursting through the clouds on a beam A falling star on a warm summer night Dolphins that frolic in the sea An eagle commanding the air in flight Children at play on a beautiful day Their innocence and magic, laughter and glee
Fireworks On the 4th of July
I know what’s beautiful
Looking at you
Dancing in your arms ‘til the break of dawn
Whispers of love at morning’s light
Holding you close ‘til the pain is gone
A touch to say it’s gonna be alright
Feeling your heartbeat next to mine
While in your embrace, you sing me your song
I’m so sorry I was not there To lift you up, let you know I cared When things got tough, the world so cruel It wasn’t enough just to say “those fools!”
Your dignity was trampled Your light snuffed out Your faith in humanity Was plagued with doubt
How could one so gentle and pure Be tortured more than anyone could endure?
You always gave your love and kindness Showing us how to be our best For this they told the horrid lies For money and greed, to claim the prize
Your soul did not matter They held your heart on a platter To be diced and sliced, chopped into bits They were not nice, but you took the hits Held yourself with dignity and grace You stood tall, the demons to face
And even though you were found innocent The light in your eyes would remain reticent Never to quite fully recover Its former brilliance went undercover
Safe and protected from the enemies of your heart Cushioned from harm you made a new start Healed a bit, but still not the same Your light was beginning to burn through the shame Peaking through the shield of pain It started to shine from your soul once again
This Is It was the plan A gift for the fans We were thrilled beyond measure Singing and dancing your dream, your adventure You would give us such pleasure!
To us, your brilliance was never gone We held you in our hearts all along Waiting for your wounded soul to heal Returning to the stage to make us feel The heat and passion of your love and affection We would once again be wooed by your amazing perfection!
Then….out of the blue your life was taken from this world On June twenty-fifth, our minds were in a whirl Can it be true? Is this for real? In shock and disbelief, we could not feel
Numbed by the news, the world went silent The stage was now empty, your light stolen from it
Is there something we could’ve done to prevent it? Loved you more? Healed the planet? Would that have changed your story in the end? Would sleep have been your friend? Did we not do enough while you were here To show appreciation for your gifts so dear?
For sacrifices made to deliver the message, was our offering no more than a mere vestige? A sample so small, you couldn’t see That you were making a difference How could this be?
We let you down, fell prey to the shadow Apathy conveyed through our lives so shallow Did you have to die for us to know The importance of your life, your message, your show?
If we had only been more like a true friend Listened to your heart from the start You knew all along that what you had to share Was critical for the world to hear You tried… gave us everything you had Your joy, your anger, the good and the “Bad”
We heard your message, but didn’t respond We just wanted a piece of you ’cause we were so fond Your love was pure, your beauty bright Your sweetness made our hearts take flight
And even though you loved our adoration It wasn’t enough to prevent your ultimate submission The pain was too much, the darkness very real It took you from us, I don’t think we’ll ever heal
I’m not sure what I could’ve done Written a letter? Called you on the phone? I am nobody… would you have known? Could I have made a difference, kept you from goin’?
Put the light back in your eyes for the world to see? Restored your faith in humanity? Taken your pain? Kissed and made it all better? Turned the rain into sunshine with just a letter?
Now that I know, now that you’re gone I cannot change it, the past is said and done But I can beg forgiveness for my apathy Try to make a difference in your name… throughout eternity
The messages you worked so hard to impart Continue to be real, still rendered from your heart Now free of limitations I can do my part Heal the world, change human relations What I should’ve done from the very start
Making amends to you in this way Will not bring you back, but it will make “them” pay Justice for you will take a new form For love and kindness will become the norm
All who love you are joining hands A gesture of unity among your fans creating a new community With love at the center of all we do Your lessons remembered, this is our cue To make the world a better place…for you!
Let us not forget, always respect Your example was perfect No need to change it…dissect it…or reject it
May the Force of Love continue in your name, Dear Michael… One who is most like God
Several months into this journey with Michael, my confidence in what I was experiencing continued to grow. But it was by no means a straight path! Trust in my intuition as well as belief in Michael's presence would take many dips along the way into that dark pool of doubt. And sometimes the notion that Michael Jackson's spirit could actually be touching base with ME just seemed too outrageous to be true! I mean, we're talking the biggest star in the world here! There were times when the reality of this would hit me and I would ask myself why I would ever think that Michael Jackson would even have the slightest notion of who I was. It just seemed insane at times!! It didn't always make sense from a practical standpoint, and that was the gauge I was accustomed to using - my practical sense of earthly things - things I could see with my own eyes. My faith in God was probably about the only exception to this. In every other spiritual sense, I had been playing it safe far too long and had very little trust in things unseen or in matters of the heart and soul.
I had been considering attending a local "Holistic Faire" for some time to get a reading from someone with psychic abilities. I didn't know much about it, but I had been to one of these faires previously with my daughter, sat with her and took notes while she received a reading. I was mostly curious to hear what someone with this special gift would feel or sense coming from me or in the energy field around me. In a way, I think I was wanting to receive some kind of validation of what I was experiencing. A complex mix of thoughts and feelings were having their way with me about taking this risk - putting myself out there to be examined on a spiritual level by a complete stranger. Not knowing how reliable their "gift" would be and knowing that mistakes could be made caused an inner conflict with my need for validation. What would I hear? And what would I DO with that information? Most important, how would it effect my own perception of my personal experience? Would the reading be so vague that I would not find the answers I was seeking; consequently, adding even more weight to the doubt which already plagued me from time to time?
In March, after much inner deliberation, I made the decision to attend the Holistic Faire. The plan was to just wander around the room to get a feel for who was there, how I was feeling about being there, and to make a decision at that time whether I would go for a reading. Well, almost as soon as I entered the building, I felt a sense of dis-ease about it, but I wasn't entirely sure why. There were many people attending this faire, so there was a noticeable "buzz" in the room. It was a positive energy among people who were already well acquainted with one another, lending a sense of community to the environment. Under normal circumstances, this would be a good thing; however, my vulnerability caused me to feel very much like a stranger in a strange land. I proceeded with my original plan, picked up some information at the front table and walked around the room, reading the bio's on all the participants and getting a feel of the space. A variety of psychic gifts were represented, all of which I knew very little about. Each booth was only semi-private, with other people waiting in line for their readings. It all seemed too distracting and impersonal. My experience with Michael and our connection felt very personal to me, and the thought of exposing it to a stranger in this environment was quite unsettling. It didn't take me long to decide that I was not ready for this! I determined that I might consider a private reading later on, but for now, it just didn't feel right. When I left the facility, I went for a drive to process my feelings, stopped at a favorite spot along the river, and wrote the poem "Exposed" which is printed below.
Later on, I told a friend and mentor about the decision I'd made and she affirmed my choice, saying that I had done the right thing by following my intuition about the discomfort I was feeling, and she thought it was important for me to discern from my heart what my own truth was about this experience with Michael. Imagine that...me, getting back in touch with my heart and trusting it! I'm happy to say that I have made much progress in that area since March. Now, for the most part, I "just know" when Michael is present, communicating with me in his own unique ways to let me know this experience IS, indeed, authentic and he will be there when I need him. I no longer feel the need for human validation of this incredible journey, as this adventure has been affirmed by God and Michael in all the ways they make themselves known to me. As I stated in a previous post...they're in this together, you know!
Getting back to my heartspace and trusting it has been such an amazing gift, and I celebrate this Gift every single day! Although the path is still not entirely straight, my confidence in the truth of this experience has grown tremendously. I no longer question it. And Michael has been nothing if not consistent at showing up at just the right time to give me a loving nudge, sharing a little more of his light with me so I can see my way to the next thing - moving ahead inch by agonizing inch toward the goal of making the world a better place! Perseverance is one of his greatest virtues!
Exposed
Feeling exposed Walking into a crowded room Filled with those who would know my fate so soon
Can I trust their gift to get it right May cause a rift, what is their insight My soul laid open for all to see What lies inside of me
Escaping the prison that was my life My wounded soul sliced open with a knife His death would be The start of a new journey My broken heart revealing My truth, all that I’ve been feeling
This awakening Charged with joy, fraught with pain Something inside me come to life again I’m learning to trust, to understand The message, my part, his guiding hand
Not always sure of my sanity Someone said, that’s ego, it fears its own mortality Be gentle with it, it’s like a child Selfish needs will try to rule, resist, defile
But if I believe in my calling Love will rule the day Keep me from falling prey To those who doubt, including my fragile ego This is not about self, God is freeing me to go To places I’ve only dreamed Experiencing love in the extreme My gift to impart to others from my heart
The journey so far has been resplendent Overflowing with love, light and encouragement Taking me beyond my wildest expectations His light so bright, filling all the empty spaces
Wanna hold on, never let go Can I keep the light burning all on my own Is my belief strong enough to withstand Comments from those who don’t “get” the man Can I still love and know as God knows What lies within must be exposed Still wanting to protect this precious gift If others inspect, will the treasure be lifted Invasion of privacy allows them to judge Can I be exposed without bending to the nudge
Vulnerable, but strong, taking a stand For truth, love and justice, he’ll hold my hand He won’t let go, for this is the call The mission to send his message to all If validation is what I seek Remember his courage and don’t be weak All that he endured for the cause Will give me strength and conviction without pause
Being exposed is part of the test Persecution from all the rest Will be my cross to bear For this great love I am blessed to share
We've seen him on the stage, singing and dancing, spinning and twirling, sharing his gift, his passion. We've felt his love through that beautiful smile, those eyes so deep, so true. But have we seen him in a sunset, felt the warmth of his love in its glow, its hue?
"I've become the sunset of evening, you know" - this line in the lyrics of a beautiful song, The Rainbow is My Love Message, reminded me that I could look upon a sunset and find him there (8/23 blog - Rainbows and Love Messages.) I have always appreciated a beautiful sunset and I have marveled at God's handiwork. But the first sunset I witnessed after receiving this message from Michael was unlike any I had ever seen before. It was spectacular! I felt entirely bathed in his love, and so, the following poem was inspired...
Sunset of the Evening
A golden puddle settles on the sea Where the sun descends, saying goodnight to me Sweet dreams, my love I’ll see you again At morning’s light
Liquid sunshine Cool as the evening Hot as the flame of love’s embrace Paints a masterpiece Its canvas, the sky Brilliant colors to please the eye
Your beauty and passion are ever alive! Still being expressed In the magic of nature An evening’s sunset
It leaves behind a memory of bliss Laughter and tears of a day well lived A reminder of the love You’ve planted in my heart Your gift to me forever more
The birds sing a soft lullaby Their music fills the air Then silence descends Its stillness comforts me Holds me in its arms Reminds me you’re there It keeps me warm and softens my despair
Your beauty and light Fill my dreams at night I cherish this dreaming My sunset of the evening
Have you ever had a series of incidents happen, all tied together creating a beautiful and inspiring story, wrapped up with an “ah-ha!” moment at the end? When the first one or two happened you were touched; they were special, but not particularly remarkable. And you didn’t quite see the connections between these events until the very last incident came along and slammed it home so hard you were blown away by the sheer magnitude of meaning behind these events. You then realized there was a purpose for each one, leading up to the grand finale when all the pieces fit together into a cohesive series of remarkable coincidences which could not have been more perfectly planned! I call these “God-incidences,” and more recently “Michael-incidences” because for me they usually involve some sort of message from Michael. Well, friends, I have an amazing story to tell involving rainbows and love messages. Messages for you and for me. But first, let’s rewind back to the summer of 2009...
When my life-changing journey with Michael began last summer, I was grieving so heavily that for months, all I did was cry whenever I was alone. I could barely hold it together to get through my workdays or times when I was required to be with other people. I did my best to keep it under wraps because I didn’t entirely understand what was happening to me at first. I couldn’t explain it to anyone else if I didn’t understand it myself. My boss noticed something was wrong one day when I came back from lunch with watery, puffy eyes and all I could say to her was, “God uses very unlikely vessels sometimes to get our attention. And this one has got me stumped! I‘ll let you know as soon as I figure it out.” I was so confused and dazed by my extreme grief over Michael’s death during this time that I wasn’t keeping track of all the amazing ways he was touching me and awakening my soul. I could see Michael’s light, and God was changing my heart with new vision and profound awareness about who this man was! I mean, I always knew Michael, but I didn’t really know him, you know? Through watching his performances and interviews and reading anything about him I could get my hands on, through my dreams and discoveries of our many “soul connections” along the way, as well as through prayer and answers to prayer, I was learning the truth about Michael Jackson from the inside out. God was showing me everything and I was like a sponge, absorbing as much as I possibly could, saturating my spirit with the essence of this man who came out of nowhere to inspire me! It was so overwhelming at times, my head was literally spinning, my stomach was constantly in knots, and my heart felt like it was going to explode from the sheer volume of light, love, and knowledge that was streaming into my consciousness every day. I remember thinking, “If I tell anyone about this, they will surely think I’ve gone insane! Nobody else around me seems to have caught this wave. Why is that?”
I soon realized that this ride was going to last a while and I needed to start recording my journey somehow, so in December I started a journal, and soon after that I began writing poetry, to my shock and delight! I would never have called myself the creative type. But something was stirring…no, something was brewing up a storm inside of me! And all the ways in which Michael was touching me were crying out to be expressed. He seemed to want to show me my potential as a creative being. And what I thought was just a quirk when I wrote my first poem, has turned out to be so much more than that. My entire creative spirit has been awakened! I look at everything differently now. I see beauty in art of all kinds and I am often moved to tears just by looking at a drawing a child has made, or watching a bird perched atop a small tree begin to dance in front of me! All things of nature are suddenly more vibrant: cloud formations in the sky, the moon and the stars, the way the leaves rustle in the trees when the wind blows, a perfectly formed flower, crickets singing on a warm summer night, a child’s laughter, and Michael’s voice in all its forms and expressions as he sings to me every single day.
My intuition has also been awakened by this experience and, for the most part, I have “tuned in” to that force within me that just knows. I questioned it at first, but I don’t anymore. I just know when Michael is connecting with me or when God is communicating with me through him. When I started my journal in December, I attempted to record some incidents that happened prior to that, but many of them have been lost in the haze of this mind-boggling experience. That’s OK, I have plenty of “Michael-incidences” to keep me going for some time. There’s one in particular that I’d like to share with you now…
It was right around the third week in May. I had been feeling somewhat alone in recent weeks, not sensing Michael’s presence so much, wanting to know if he was still with me. I was running an errand after work one day, walking to my car with headphones on listening to “Someone in the Dark.” Just as Michael was singing to me "look for the rainbow in the sky," I turned around to get into my car and there it was. A full double rainbow! It was so beautiful it took my breath away! And from where I was standing, it looked like the end of the smaller rainbow was near my home, so I set out to find it. Driving toward my neighborhood, I realized once I got a little closer that it was farther away than I first thought and I couldn‘t get to it, so I abandoned my search. But I wasn’t disappointed, it was still an awesome experience! I was once again reminded of Michael’s presence and his surprising ways of letting me know that he’s still with me. I was grateful for this little message and I thanked him for it.
“Then somewhere in your heart you can feel the glow A light to keep you warm when the night winds blow Look for the rainbow in the sky Oh, I believe you and I could never really say goodbye”
Now, fast forward about a month, right before the one year anniversary of Michael’s death. It was June 22. I received an email from my sister. It was a forward - you know, one of those with an inspirational message attached. Well, this message came with a beautiful picture of a double rainbow. I immediately recalled my rainbow sighting in May accompanied by Michael’s magical voice. And thinking about it triggered another memory from years ago, which I wrote about to my daughter when I forwarded this rainbow photo & message to her. I wrote, “Do you remember years ago when we were driving on the freeway and we drove right through the end of a rainbow? It was like this bright yellow light all around us when we drove through it - all golden! Just like they say, there's a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow... and we touched it! (or it touched us!) Pretty amazing, huh? That can only happen once in a lifetime!” This statement triggered the flow of words into a simple little poem written very quickly and sent to my daughter and friends, telling them the story of how this beautiful rainbow touched me.
Once In a Lifetime Touched by a rainbow Golden light Embraced me, caressed me Renewed my inward sight
Warmed my heart Enticed a vow Penetrated my soul
One precious moment The pot of gold was mine Changed my world forever Pure love, so divine
Miracle of nature The essence of You Captured in its radiance Love, Perfection, Truth
Once in a lifetime A rainbow touches you Golden light Its gift is life anew
I feel compelled to add here that the words written in this poem express how I felt on this day, June 22, 2010 as I recalled the moment we drove through the end of the rainbow many years earlier. I don't remember feeling these things then or being so spiritually moved by the experience at the time, other than a sense of awe at the odds of something like that happening to anyone, anywhere! I feel that my words here are more a reflection of my journey with Michael over the last year and the fact that he had touched me twice in recent weeks with his rainbow messages. But, as I mentioned earlier, these first two incidents were very special, but not extremely remarkable…not yet, that is.
Even though I was briefly inspired by these "Michael-incidences," my mind was intently focused on the impending anniversary date of Michael’s death. Feeling an underlying sense of dread in anticipation of the emotions which would be evoked by the memories of that day, I knew the harsh reality of his being gone from this earth and the overwhelming awareness of this tremendous loss to the world would be driven home with cutting precision like a stake through my heart, re-opening those slightly healed wounds from one year ago. After watching a few of the specials on TV, reading and viewing many of the wonderful tributes about him on the internet, and participating in the Major Love Prayer, the date was forever marked as a day to honor the remarkable life and contributions of this amazing man. My grief intensified and I felt somewhat lost and very much alone. I wanted to write something…anything about how I was feeling, but the words didn’t come. I couldn't pin them down.
I was also reminded once again of the immense task in front of me - continuing to do Michael’s work in the world - and I was not so sure if I was up to it. Oh, I had some good ideas and I had done a few small things already, but it didn’t seem like much. Not in comparison to Michael’s life and everything he did! Nor did it seem like much in comparison to things I'd seen other fans doing. I could tell I was heading down that path again - you know the one where you feel very small and insignificant in the larger picture. Incapable, unworthy, and oh-so alone. Even when I know I’m heading there, I can’t always stop myself. I have to get to the point where I break, where my soul cries out for reassurance and I need that extra little push to believe in myself again. I reached that point a few days after the anniversary.
I was at work, alone in my office during the afternoon hours, and I could feel the pressure building. Emotions were on the verge of breaking through to release the pressure, threatening to spill over into a waterfall of tears. I managed to find time to go to a place where I was safe and where I knew I would be completely alone. I entered my church’s sanctuary. It was empty and still - the light coming through the stained glass windows cast a warm glow throughout the room. The ornate woodwork and the beautiful windows lend themselves to the simple charm of this historic little place of worship which still captures my heart every time I enter its sacred inner space. It's a place of comfort and protection for me - a place where I can feel God’s presence and His constant love. I sat in a pew a few rows from the front, looked up at my favorite stained glass window of Jesus praying in the garden at Gethsemane the night before he was crucified... and the dam inside of me burst. A waterfall of tears flowed freely accompanied by deep soulful sobs. Although I still cry every single day, I had not cried this deeply in months. I got angry, and in between tissues I prayed and I asked a lot of questions. “Who do I think I am to deserve this gift? I’ve been selfish! Please forgive me. I don’t know if I can be as loving and kind as Michael is. I don’t know if I have what it takes to care about others the way I should. I cannot write from my heart anymore…it’s gone…I feel silence inside! It’s as if that creative spark has found a place to hide again. That feeling of deep love and truth has run away from this undeserving soul. How do I get it back? And how do I keep Michael in my heart without preventing him from moving forward? I’m afraid that with time and being left to my own devices, I will go back to the way things were, losing this precious gift for good. I think I would rather die first! Is this gift for real, or was it just temporary - only a fantasy to be short-lived? If it IS real, I need help to find that light again! How can I do what you want me to do if I keep losing sight of my own light? I need him to hold me while I cry until I can’t cry anymore! I need him to reach out and hug me until my need is diminished by his loving embrace! Yes, this is selfish, but right now I don’t know any other way to express how I’m feeling. I’ve been lonely a long time now. You know my heart…You know my truth. Help me so I can do what you’ve asked me to do.” My sobs were reduced to soft weeping and I lingered there in silence for a while, breathing deeply and steadily, slowly regaining my composure. The silence and the warm glow from the windows cradled me now and settled my spirit. I knew I had said all that I needed to say, and it was time to go.
Feeling emotionally spent and exhausted, I gathered my pile of tissues and headed home. I don’t really remember much about my evening. I was still numb from my emotional tirade, and I think I was just going through the motions - checking messages online, looking for any news or stories about Michael, as I did every evening. Falling asleep listening to Michael sing his ballads, I slept longer and deeper than I had in a very long while. When I awoke, the tune from the song “Hold My Hand” was playing in my head - the one Michael recorded with Akon - and I had an image of Michael standing in front of me holding his hand out for me to take, looking right into my eyes with a sweet, gentle, coaxing look that said, “Come on, take my hand, it’s OK.” It gave me a very comforting feeling and I didn’t want to fully wake up from this lovely dream. But I was curious about why I had this song in my head. I had only heard it a couple times before and I didn’t know it very well. I decided I needed to get on the computer before going to work, find the lyrics and write them down because I was interested to see if they held any answers to my prayers from yesterday.
I forgot that I had left my computer on the night before and when I logged on, I noticed I was still connected to facebook. I was just about to click on the “logout” button when I noticed something at the top of my home page. It was a message from an MJ friend sending a link to a YouTube video entitled “The Rainbow is My Love Message.” I thought, “What? You’re kidding me, right? I have to check this out!” So I clicked on the link and watched & listened to the video. It was a tribute to Michael using the song “The Rainbow is My Love Message” (partial lyrics below) which is sung in Italian. Someone had taken the time to translate the lyrics to English and they were posted there. When I read them, I cried another bucket of tears!! Michael led me to this, I just know it! He wanted me to find this. It holds the answers to all my questions…and more! This was the final piece in the rainbow series of “Michael-incidences” which made everything clear. His hand was reaching out to me once again, as in my dream! I don’t usually get online before going to work in the morning - but my dream enticed me and I just happened to have time on this day - very rare! I would not have seen this message later in the day...
The Rainbow is My Love Message (Excerpt)
I've left suddenly I had no time to say goodbye Short moments, but still shorter if there is a light that pierces your heart
The rainbow is my love message Maybe one day you could touch it With the colors it would cancel the most discouraging and distressing pain
I've become the sunset of evening, you know and I speak as the leaves of April and I live inside of every sincere voice and with the birds I live a soft song and my speech more beautiful and dense expresses with the silence its sense
Some things I didn’t understand that are clear as the falling stars And I have to tell you that it is infinite pleasure to carry these heavy suitcases
I really miss you so much my dear friend and so many things I have to say Listen only to the real music and always try to understand
Listen always to the real music and try to understand if you can
God has brought me back to my light with this one simple, yet profound message from Michael! With these words, Michael has let me know that he was holding me while I cried, until I couldn’t cry anymore. He heard me and he wanted me to understand that every time I look at a rainbow, that is his love message. He is there - I can count on it! Every time I see a sunset or new life coming forth in the spring, every time I hear a sincere voice or a bird’s soft song, he is there! And the silence...oh my, the beautiful silence - he is there as well. From now on, I will embrace the silence when it comes and I will not doubt that it has a purpose! I was very touched by the line “I have to tell you that it is infinite pleasure to carry these heavy suitcases.” Every single time I “bother” Michael with my questions and my need for reassurance, he comes around and lets me know that he continues to believe in me. And I never get the feeling that he is growing impatient with me - he has endless patience - and I have even felt that he takes great pleasure in being able to touch those of us who need him in our moments of despair.
I am sharing this story with you because I believe Michael wants all of us to hear these messages - they‘re not just for me. He wants us to feel his love because it is true and real! And he wants to help us gather strength and inspiration for continuing his work in the world. By sharing my experience with you, we can hold each other up, give each other strength, and share our mutual love for this beautiful soul. I wrote a poem back in March called “Whispers at Morning” in which I asked how I could make a difference and be inspiration for others. The words that came through me in answer to my question were not my own. And it was very clear to me that the message I was receiving through those words was to use my words about my experiences and the things that inspired me to share with others so that they may be inspired also. These experiences feel personal to me, and on one level they are - just as your Michael experiences are personal to you. But I also understand that Michael belongs to the world. He loves each of us individually and universally. There is no doubt in my mind that Michael wants to give us as much encouragement as we need to stay strong and steady in our mission to heal the world on his behalf! He was an artist of the highest magnitude and the purest form. It was through his art that he communicated his deepest emotions and his most sincere longings. He continues to deliver messages in ways that are poetic and divinely inspired, just as he did his entire life. If we are open to receiving them in surprising and unexpected ways, he will not disappoint! God Bless His Beautiful Soul!!!
And now, just for good measure, here are partial lyrics to “Hold My Hand”… gotta love it!
Hold My Hand (Excerpt) by Michael Jackson & Akon
This life don't last forever So tell me what we're waiting for We're better off being together Than being miserable alone
Cause I've been there before And you've been there before But together we can be alright Cause when it gets dark and when it gets cold We hold each other ‘til we see the sunlight
Hold my hand Baby I promise that I'll do all I can Things will get better if you just hold my hand Nothing can come between us if you just hold my hand.
The nights are getting darker And there's no peace inside So why make our lives harder By fighting love tonight
Cause I've been there before And you've been there before But together we can be alright Cause when it gets dark and when it gets cold We hold each other ‘til we see the sunlight
So if you just hold my hand Baby I promise that I'll do all I can Things will get better if you just hold my hand Nothing can come between us if you just hold my hand.
I can tell you're tired of being lonely Take my hand don't let go baby hold me Come to me and let me be your one and only So I can make it alright ‘til the morning
Deep longing
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