Exposed

Several months into this journey with Michael, my confidence in what I was experiencing continued to grow. But it was by no means a straight path! Trust in my intuition as well as belief in Michael's presence would take many dips along the way into that dark pool of doubt. And sometimes the notion that Michael Jackson's spirit could actually be touching base with ME just seemed too outrageous to be true! I mean, we're talking the biggest star in the world here! There were times when the reality of this would hit me and I would ask myself why I would ever think that Michael Jackson would even have the slightest notion of who I was. It just seemed insane at times!! It didn't always make sense from a practical standpoint, and that was the gauge I was accustomed to using - my practical sense of earthly things - things I could see with my own eyes. My faith in God was probably about the only exception to this. In every other spiritual sense, I had been playing it safe far too long and had very little trust in things unseen or in matters of the heart and soul.

I had been considering attending a local "Holistic Faire" for some time to get a reading from someone with psychic abilities. I didn't know much about it, but I had been to one of these faires previously with my daughter, sat with her and took notes while she received a reading. I was mostly curious to hear what someone with this special gift would feel or sense coming from me or in the energy field around me. In a way, I think I was wanting to receive some kind of validation of what I was experiencing. A complex mix of thoughts and feelings were having their way with me about taking this risk - putting myself out there to be examined on a spiritual level by a complete stranger. Not knowing how reliable their "gift" would be and knowing that mistakes could be made caused an inner conflict with my need for validation. What would I hear? And what would I DO with that information? Most important, how would it effect my own perception of my personal experience? Would the reading be so vague that I would not find the answers I was seeking; consequently, adding even more weight to the doubt which already plagued me from time to time?

In March, after much inner deliberation, I made the decision to attend the Holistic Faire. The plan was to just wander around the room to get a feel for who was there, how I was feeling about being there, and to make a decision at that time whether I would go for a reading. Well, almost as soon as I entered the building, I felt a sense of dis-ease about it, but I wasn't entirely sure why. There were many people attending this faire, so there was a noticeable "buzz" in the room. It was a positive energy among people who were already well acquainted with one another, lending a sense of community to the environment. Under normal circumstances, this would be a good thing; however, my vulnerability caused me to feel very much like a stranger in a strange land. I proceeded with my original plan, picked up some information at the front table and walked around the room, reading the bio's on all the participants and getting a feel of the space. A variety of psychic gifts were represented, all of which I knew very little about. Each booth was only semi-private, with other people waiting in line for their readings. It all seemed too distracting and impersonal. My experience with Michael and our connection felt very personal to me, and the thought of exposing it to a stranger in this environment was quite unsettling. It didn't take me long to decide that I was not ready for this! I determined that I might consider a private reading later on, but for now, it just didn't feel right. When I left the facility, I went for a drive to process my feelings, stopped at a favorite spot along the river, and wrote the poem "Exposed" which is printed below.

Later on, I told a friend and mentor about the decision I'd made and she affirmed my choice, saying that I had done the right thing by following my intuition about the discomfort I was feeling, and she thought it was important for me to discern from my heart what my own truth was about this experience with Michael. Imagine that...me, getting back in touch with my heart and trusting it! I'm happy to say that I have made much progress in that area since March. Now, for the most part, I "just know" when Michael is present, communicating with me in his own unique ways to let me know this experience IS, indeed, authentic and he will be there when I need him. I no longer feel the need for human validation of this incredible journey, as this adventure has been affirmed by God and Michael in all the ways they make themselves known to me. As I stated in a previous post...they're in this together, you know!

Getting back to my heartspace and trusting it has been such an amazing gift, and I celebrate this Gift every single day! Although the path is still not entirely straight, my confidence in the truth of this experience has grown tremendously. I no longer question it. And Michael has been nothing if not consistent at showing up at just the right time to give me a loving nudge, sharing a little more of his light with me so I can see my way to the next thing - moving ahead inch by agonizing inch toward the goal of making the world a better place! Perseverance is one of his greatest virtues!

Exposed

Feeling exposed
Walking into a crowded room
Filled with those who would know my fate so soon

Can I trust their gift to get it right
May cause a rift, what is their insight
My soul laid open for all to see
What lies inside of me

Escaping the prison that was my life
My wounded soul sliced open with a knife
His death would be
The start of a new journey
My broken heart revealing
My truth, all that I’ve been feeling

This awakening
Charged with joy, fraught with pain
Something inside me come to life again
I’m learning to trust, to understand
The message, my part, his guiding hand

Not always sure of my sanity
Someone said, that’s ego, it fears its own mortality
Be gentle with it, it’s like a child
Selfish needs will try to rule, resist, defile

But if I believe in my calling
Love will rule the day
Keep me from falling prey
To those who doubt, including my fragile ego
This is not about self, God is freeing me to go
To places I’ve only dreamed
Experiencing love in the extreme
My gift to impart to others from my heart

The journey so far has been resplendent
Overflowing with love, light and encouragement
Taking me beyond my wildest expectations
His light so bright, filling all the empty spaces

Wanna hold on, never let go
Can I keep the light burning all on my own
Is my belief strong enough to withstand
Comments from those who don’t “get” the man
Can I still love and know as God knows
What lies within must be exposed
Still wanting to protect this precious gift
If others inspect, will the treasure be lifted
Invasion of privacy allows them to judge
Can I be exposed without bending to the nudge

Vulnerable, but strong, taking a stand
For truth, love and justice, he’ll hold my hand
He won’t let go, for this is the call
The mission to send his message to all
If validation is what I seek
Remember his courage and don’t be weak
All that he endured for the cause
Will give me strength and conviction without pause

Being exposed is part of the test
Persecution from all the rest
Will be my cross to bear
For this great love I am blessed to share

03/13/10
Copyright © 2010 by Charlene Burgess

Rainbows and Love Messages

Have you ever had a series of incidents happen, all tied together creating a beautiful and inspiring story, wrapped up with an “ah-ha!” moment at the end? When the first one or two happened you were touched; they were special, but not particularly remarkable. And you didn’t quite see the connections between these events until the very last incident came along and slammed it home so hard you were blown away by the sheer magnitude of meaning behind these events. You then realized there was a purpose for each one, leading up to the grand finale when all the pieces fit together into a cohesive series of remarkable coincidences which could not have been more perfectly planned! I call these “God-incidences,” and more recently “Michael-incidences” because for me they usually involve some sort of message from Michael. Well, friends, I have an amazing story to tell involving rainbows and love messages. Messages for you and for me. But first, let’s rewind back to the summer of 2009...

When my life-changing journey with Michael began last summer, I was grieving so heavily that for months, all I did was cry whenever I was alone. I could barely hold it together to get through my workdays or times when I was required to be with other people. I did my best to keep it under wraps because I didn’t entirely understand what was happening to me at first. I couldn’t explain it to anyone else if I didn’t understand it myself. My boss noticed something was wrong one day when I came back from lunch with watery, puffy eyes and all I could say to her was, “God uses very unlikely vessels sometimes to get our attention. And this one has got me stumped! I‘ll let you know as soon as I figure it out.” I was so confused and dazed by my extreme grief over Michael’s death during this time that I wasn’t keeping track of all the amazing ways he was touching me and awakening my soul. I could see Michael’s light, and God was changing my heart with new vision and profound awareness about who this man was! I mean, I always knew Michael, but I didn’t really know him, you know? Through watching his performances and interviews and reading anything about him I could get my hands on, through my dreams and discoveries of our many “soul connections” along the way, as well as through prayer and answers to prayer, I was learning the truth about Michael Jackson from the inside out. God was showing me everything and I was like a sponge, absorbing as much as I possibly could, saturating my spirit with the essence of this man who came out of nowhere to inspire me! It was so overwhelming at times, my head was literally spinning, my stomach was constantly in knots, and my heart felt like it was going to explode from the sheer volume of light, love, and knowledge that was streaming into my consciousness every day. I remember thinking, “If I tell anyone about this, they will surely think I’ve gone insane! Nobody else around me seems to have caught this wave. Why is that?”

I soon realized that this ride was going to last a while and I needed to start recording my journey somehow, so in December I started a journal, and soon after that I began writing poetry, to my shock and delight! I would never have called myself the creative type. But something was stirring…no, something was brewing up a storm inside of me! And all the ways in which Michael was touching me were crying out to be expressed. He seemed to want to show me my potential as a creative being. And what I thought was just a quirk when I wrote my first poem, has turned out to be so much more than that. My entire creative spirit has been awakened! I look at everything differently now. I see beauty in art of all kinds and I am often moved to tears just by looking at a drawing a child has made, or watching a bird perched atop a small tree begin to dance in front of me! All things of nature are suddenly more vibrant: cloud formations in the sky, the moon and the stars, the way the leaves rustle in the trees when the wind blows, a perfectly formed flower, crickets singing on a warm summer night, a child’s laughter, and Michael’s voice in all its forms and expressions as he sings to me every single day.

My intuition has also been awakened by this experience and, for the most part, I have “tuned in” to that force within me that just knows. I questioned it at first, but I don’t anymore. I just know when Michael is connecting with me or when God is communicating with me through him. When I started my journal in December, I attempted to record some incidents that happened prior to that, but many of them have been lost in the haze of this mind-boggling experience. That’s OK, I have plenty of “Michael-incidences” to keep me going for some time. There’s one in particular that I’d like to share with you now…

It was right around the third week in May. I had been feeling somewhat alone in recent weeks, not sensing Michael’s presence so much, wanting to know if he was still with me. I was running an errand after work one day, walking to my car with headphones on listening to “Someone in the Dark.” Just as Michael was singing to me "look for the rainbow in the sky," I turned around to get into my car and there it was. A full double rainbow! It was so beautiful it took my breath away! And from where I was standing, it looked like the end of the smaller rainbow was near my home, so I set out to find it. Driving toward my neighborhood, I realized once I got a little closer that it was farther away than I first thought and I couldn‘t get to it, so I abandoned my search. But I wasn’t disappointed, it was still an awesome experience! I was once again reminded of Michael’s presence and his surprising ways of letting me know that he’s still with me. I was grateful for this little message and I thanked him for it.

“Then somewhere in your heart you can feel the glow
A light to keep you warm when the night winds blow
Look for the rainbow in the sky
Oh, I believe you and I could never really say goodbye”

Now, fast forward about a month, right before the one year anniversary of Michael’s death. It was June 22. I received an email from my sister. It was a forward - you know, one of those with an inspirational message attached. Well, this message came with a beautiful picture of a double rainbow. I immediately recalled my rainbow sighting in May accompanied by Michael’s magical voice. And thinking about it triggered another memory from years ago, which I wrote about to my daughter when I forwarded this rainbow photo & message to her. I wrote, “Do you remember years ago when we were driving on the freeway and we drove right through the end of a rainbow? It was like this bright yellow light all around us when we drove through it - all golden! Just like they say, there's a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow... and we touched it! (or it touched us!) Pretty amazing, huh? That can only happen once in a lifetime!” This statement triggered the flow of words into a simple little poem written very quickly and sent to my daughter and friends, telling them the story of how this beautiful rainbow touched me.

Once In a Lifetime

Touched by a rainbow
Golden light
Embraced me, caressed me
Renewed my inward sight

Warmed my heart
Enticed a vow
Penetrated my soul

One precious moment
The pot of gold was mine
Changed my world forever
Pure love, so divine

Miracle of nature
The essence of You
Captured in its radiance
Love, Perfection, Truth

Once in a lifetime
A rainbow touches you
Golden light
Its gift is life anew

06/22/10
Copyright © 2010 by Charlene Burgess

I feel compelled to add here that the words written in this poem express how I felt on this day, June 22, 2010 as I recalled the moment we drove through the end of the rainbow many years earlier. I don't remember feeling these things then or being so spiritually moved by the experience at the time, other than a sense of awe at the odds of something like that happening to anyone, anywhere! I feel that my words here are more a reflection of my journey with Michael over the last year and the fact that he had touched me twice in recent weeks with his rainbow messages. But, as I mentioned earlier, these first two incidents were very special, but not extremely remarkable…not yet, that is.

Even though I was briefly inspired by these "Michael-incidences," my mind was intently focused on the impending anniversary date of Michael’s death. Feeling an underlying sense of dread in anticipation of the emotions which would be evoked by the memories of that day, I knew the harsh reality of his being gone from this earth and the overwhelming awareness of this tremendous loss to the world would be driven home with cutting precision like a stake through my heart, re-opening those slightly healed wounds from one year ago. After watching a few of the specials on TV, reading and viewing many of the wonderful tributes about him on the internet, and participating in the Major Love Prayer, the date was forever marked as a day to honor the remarkable life and contributions of this amazing man. My grief intensified and I felt somewhat lost and very much alone. I wanted to write something…anything about how I was feeling, but the words didn’t come. I couldn't pin them down.

I was also reminded once again of the immense task in front of me - continuing to do Michael’s work in the world - and I was not so sure if I was up to it. Oh, I had some good ideas and I had done a few small things already, but it didn’t seem like much. Not in comparison to Michael’s life and everything he did! Nor did it seem like much in comparison to things I'd seen other fans doing. I could tell I was heading down that path again - you know the one where you feel very small and insignificant in the larger picture. Incapable, unworthy, and oh-so alone. Even when I know I’m heading there, I can’t always stop myself. I have to get to the point where I break, where my soul cries out for reassurance and I need that extra little push to believe in myself again. I reached that point a few days after the anniversary.

I was at work, alone in my office during the afternoon hours, and I could feel the pressure building. Emotions were on the verge of breaking through to release the pressure, threatening to spill over into a waterfall of tears. I managed to find time to go to a place where I was safe and where I knew I would be completely alone. I entered my church’s sanctuary. It was empty and still - the light coming through the stained glass windows cast a warm glow throughout the room. The ornate woodwork and the beautiful windows lend themselves to the simple charm of this historic little place of worship which still captures my heart every time I enter its sacred inner space. It's a place of comfort and protection for me - a place where I can feel God’s presence and His constant love. I sat in a pew a few rows from the front, looked up at my favorite stained glass window of Jesus praying in the garden at Gethsemane the night before he was crucified... and the dam inside of me burst. A waterfall of tears flowed freely accompanied by deep soulful sobs. Although I still cry every single day, I had not cried this deeply in months. I got angry, and in between tissues I prayed and I asked a lot of questions. “Who do I think I am to deserve this gift? I’ve been selfish! Please forgive me. I don’t know if I can be as loving and kind as Michael is. I don’t know if I have what it takes to care about others the way I should. I cannot write from my heart anymore…it’s gone…I feel silence inside! It’s as if that creative spark has found a place to hide again. That feeling of deep love and truth has run away from this undeserving soul. How do I get it back? And how do I keep Michael in my heart without preventing him from moving forward? I’m afraid that with time and being left to my own devices, I will go back to the way things were, losing this precious gift for good. I think I would rather die first! Is this gift for real, or was it just temporary - only a fantasy to be short-lived? If it IS real, I need help to find that light again! How can I do what you want me to do if I keep losing sight of my own light? I need him to hold me while I cry until I can’t cry anymore! I need him to reach out and hug me until my need is diminished by his loving embrace! Yes, this is selfish, but right now I don’t know any other way to express how I’m feeling. I’ve been lonely a long time now. You know my heart…You know my truth. Help me so I can do what you’ve asked me to do.” My sobs were reduced to soft weeping and I lingered there in silence for a while, breathing deeply and steadily, slowly regaining my composure. The silence and the warm glow from the windows cradled me now and settled my spirit. I knew I had said all that I needed to say, and it was time to go.

Feeling emotionally spent and exhausted, I gathered my pile of tissues and headed home. I don’t really remember much about my evening. I was still numb from my emotional tirade, and I think I was just going through the motions - checking messages online, looking for any news or stories about Michael, as I did every evening. Falling asleep listening to Michael sing his ballads, I slept longer and deeper than I had in a very long while. When I awoke, the tune from the song “Hold My Hand” was playing in my head - the one Michael recorded with Akon - and I had an image of Michael standing in front of me holding his hand out for me to take, looking right into my eyes with a sweet, gentle, coaxing look that said, “Come on, take my hand, it’s OK.” It gave me a very comforting feeling and I didn’t want to fully wake up from this lovely dream. But I was curious about why I had this song in my head. I had only heard it a couple times before and I didn’t know it very well. I decided I needed to get on the computer before going to work, find the lyrics and write them down because I was interested to see if they held any answers to my prayers from yesterday.

I forgot that I had left my computer on the night before and when I logged on, I noticed I was still connected to facebook. I was just about to click on the “logout” button when I noticed something at the top of my home page. It was a message from an MJ friend sending a link to a YouTube video entitled “The Rainbow is My Love Message.” I thought, “What? You’re kidding me, right? I have to check this out!” So I clicked on the link and watched & listened to the video. It was a tribute to Michael using the song “The Rainbow is My Love Message” (partial lyrics below) which is sung in Italian. Someone had taken the time to translate the lyrics to English and they were posted there. When I read them, I cried another bucket of tears!! Michael led me to this, I just know it! He wanted me to find this. It holds the answers to all my questions…and more! This was the final piece in the rainbow series of “Michael-incidences” which made everything clear. His hand was reaching out to me once again, as in my dream! I don’t usually get online before going to work in the morning - but my dream enticed me and I just happened to have time on this day - very rare! I would not have seen this message later in the day...

The Rainbow is My Love Message
(Excerpt)

I've left suddenly
I had no time to say goodbye
Short moments, but still shorter
if there is a light that pierces your heart

The rainbow is my love message
Maybe one day you could touch it
With the colors it would cancel
the most discouraging and distressing pain

I've become the sunset of evening, you know
and I speak as the leaves of April
and I live inside of every sincere voice
and with the birds I live a soft song
and my speech more beautiful and dense
expresses with the silence its sense

Some things I didn’t understand
that are clear as the falling stars
And I have to tell you that it is infinite pleasure
to carry these heavy suitcases

I really miss you so much my dear friend
and so many things I have to say
Listen only to the real music
and always try to understand

Listen always to the real music
and try to understand if you can


God has brought me back to my light with this one simple, yet profound message from Michael! With these words, Michael has let me know that he was holding me while I cried, until I couldn’t cry anymore. He heard me and he wanted me to understand that every time I look at a rainbow, that is his love message. He is there - I can count on it! Every time I see a sunset or new life coming forth in the spring, every time I hear a sincere voice or a bird’s soft song, he is there! And the silence...oh my, the beautiful silence - he is there as well. From now on, I will embrace the silence when it comes and I will not doubt that it has a purpose! I was very touched by the line “I have to tell you that it is infinite pleasure to carry these heavy suitcases.” Every single time I “bother” Michael with my questions and my need for reassurance, he comes around and lets me know that he continues to believe in me. And I never get the feeling that he is growing impatient with me - he has endless patience - and I have even felt that he takes great pleasure in being able to touch those of us who need him in our moments of despair.

I am sharing this story with you because I believe Michael wants all of us to hear these messages - they‘re not just for me. He wants us to feel his love because it is true and real! And he wants to help us gather strength and inspiration for continuing his work in the world. By sharing my experience with you, we can hold each other up, give each other strength, and share our mutual love for this beautiful soul. I wrote a poem back in March called “Whispers at Morning” in which I asked how I could make a difference and be inspiration for others. The words that came through me in answer to my question were not my own. And it was very clear to me that the message I was receiving through those words was to use my words about my experiences and the things that inspired me to share with others so that they may be inspired also. These experiences feel personal to me, and on one level they are - just as your Michael experiences are personal to you. But I also understand that Michael belongs to the world. He loves each of us individually and universally. There is no doubt in my mind that Michael wants to give us as much encouragement as we need to stay strong and steady in our mission to heal the world on his behalf! He was an artist of the highest magnitude and the purest form. It was through his art that he communicated his deepest emotions and his most sincere longings. He continues to deliver messages in ways that are poetic and divinely inspired, just as he did his entire life. If we are open to receiving them in surprising and unexpected ways, he will not disappoint! God Bless His Beautiful Soul!!!

And now, just for good measure, here are partial lyrics to “Hold My Hand”… gotta love it!

Hold My Hand
(Excerpt)
by Michael Jackson & Akon

This life don't last forever
So tell me what we're waiting for
We're better off being together
Than being miserable alone

Cause I've been there before
And you've been there before
But together we can be alright
Cause when it gets dark and when it gets cold
We hold each other ‘til we see the sunlight

Hold my hand
Baby I promise that I'll do all I can
Things will get better if you just hold my hand
Nothing can come between us if you just hold my hand.

The nights are getting darker
And there's no peace inside
So why make our lives harder
By fighting love tonight

Cause I've been there before
And you've been there before
But together we can be alright
Cause when it gets dark and when it gets cold
We hold each other ‘til we see the sunlight

So if you just hold my hand
Baby I promise that I'll do all I can
Things will get better if you just hold my hand
Nothing can come between us if you just hold my hand.

I can tell you're tired of being lonely
Take my hand don't let go baby hold me
Come to me and let me be your one and only
So I can make it alright ‘til the morning