The Endless Grip of Longing

Deep longing
Unfulfilled

Never goes away
It remains in the heart
Perhaps held at bay
Only to surface
On another dark day
The journey to wholeness
May seem endless
When you’re feeling hopeless
Lost and forgotten
Your dreams have escaped you
What now is your purpose?

Deep longing
Unfulfilled

Be gentle with yourself
When in its grip
Be kind
Take your time
And try to understand
This pain will guide you
To a new place and time
Where a light is hiding
Waiting to be found
It was placed in you at your birth
It is the expression
Of your beauty
Your gift
Your true worth

Deep longing
Unfulfilled

Grief and sorrow over what is lost
Must be honored first
Whatever the cost
The tide of emotions
Inevitable pain
Creates a void
Leaves a space
For something else
To take its place
Trust that the answers will come
Filling that space
That hole in your soul
Your Godself awaits
Joy and passion
Will find expression
Igniting the light
That’s been hiding within

Deep longing
Unfulfilled

Always remember
The emptiness inside
Make a vow right now
To never forget
Not to dwell
Or stay in the darkness
But to find compassion
And share your light
When others are held
In its endless grip

Deep longing
Unfulfilled

Comes full circle
Its purpose revealed
When Love is shared
Given away
This Gift of self
Dims the pain
Glowing heartspace
Returns to you
Sustained by Love’s everlasting embrace
Its promise yields

Deep longing...
Fulfilled

07/11/10
Copyright © 2010 by Charlene Burgess

"One thing I've learned, as a good friend once told me, 'God doesn't waste a hurt.' I don't believe God causes hurtful things to happen to us; in fact, I believe He's right there with us in our darkest hour crying as deeply as we are over our pain and suffering. I do believe God provides opportunities for us to find and receive His Love in the midst of our deepest sorrow. And He also brings us to healing solutions and discovering ways we can use our experience to help others." ~ C. Burgess

Give Me Your Wings So We Can Fly!

Occasionally one of Michael's songs which I have listened to faithfully over the last year and a half will suddenly take on a new meaning for me as the lyrics resonate with something deep in my soul - something that decides it is time to come into the light and make itself known. Lately, I've been listening to the album "Michael" almost exlusively since it came out in December. I can't seem to get enough of it! The more I listen to it, the more I want to hear it all over again. As with all of Michael's music, there just seems to be something about it that you want to absorb into every cell of your being. The very essence of him - his message, his love for us and his concern for humanity - is present in every single song! The lyrics, the beat, the melody, and of course, his amazing voice in its every unique expression pulls you in and holds you there. I love to sing along too, so each time I hear a song I pick up a few more lyrics that I'm able to recite along with him, until I know it well enough to belt it out confidently, sometimes singing harmony and other times the melody depending on the range of the parts. (Michael can reach notes much higher than I can!) It is only when I have learned the entire song that I can truly enjoy the experience of being his vocal partner in a duet made just for Michael and me! :)
But I digress...

In recent weeks, I've been particularly drawn to "Keep Your Head Up" and "Best of Joy." From the comments published in the CD cover, we know that Best of Joy is a song Michael wrote for all of us. And, of all the songs on the album, it is the one that was written and recorded most recently - in early 2009. It warms my heart every time I hear him sing "I am the moonlight, You are the spring, Our love's a sacred thing, You know I always will love you...

I am forever, We are forever!" God bless him! It's almost as if he knew we were going to need to hear those words after he was gone. In fact, many of his songs are like that - even those from decades past. There's just something about much of his music over the years that feels as if it was created in preparation for this time, you know? Inviting us into a love relationship with him that would last forever, and inviting us to join him in his mission to heal the world.

"Keep Your Head Up" also feels like such a song. To me, it's not just about a single mother struggling to live day-to-day or paycheck-to-paycheck. The message is directed at any one of us who may feel uncertain, overwhelmed, lost or hopeless at any time in our lives, but especially on this journey with Michael. It's a message from him to give us strength to keep going when we may feel like giving up; because he knew the challenges we would face in attempting to make a change in this world, and he wanted to give us something to lift our spirits and bring us hope, encouraging us not to give up. He briefly mentions the plight of the planet and adds "It's never too late - just lean on me... Keep your head up, Don't give up today." And his final plea to all of us "I need your love, I need you now, I need your light right here today, I need you now!" while the chorus is singing about the sun shining it's light on us today, tells me he is urgently pleading with us to stay strong and to let our lights shine in the world... NOW! Had Michael been able to finish this song himself, I believe this is where his voice would have increased in intensity to reflect the urgency of the message. As it stands, the words speak for themselves and deliver the message just as powerfully: He needs us to be present and actively doing something... anything to make a contribution toward healing this planet.

The chorus of this anthem gives us a clue as to how we are to accomplish this:

Keepin' your head up to the sky
Keepin' your mind up stay alive
Give me your wings so we can fly

Keepin' your head up to the sky
We can just rise up, tell me now
Give me your wings so we can fly

Looking up to the sky has become a daily habit of mine. I do it every chance I get. I have found many treasures there and I always feel a strong connection to Michael when I do. The moon and the stars, cloud formations, sunbeams, rainbows, sunsets and sunrises, birds in flight... these things all carry a message or a special meaning that only a true Michael lover would understand. Michael himself found much inspiration in looking to the sky while considering all the possibilities in the universe that lie within our vision... and beyond. He was spiritually in tune with all of it. It nourished him and kept his creativity fresh and divinely dazzling. I, too, have felt this sense of connection and nourishment and have written several poems inspired by the things I've witnessed there. To me, the sky is God's canvas to paint as He chooses with colors and images of things and concepts that many an artist, writer and poet have found fascinating - whether for pure and simple enjoyment of the beauty of it or to possibly relay a message hidden in the context of the art. Metaphors abound if one is open to recognize them, and one can easily be caught in the spell of love, power, light, majesty, and awe-inspired story as told by the Creator of Heaven and Earth. It's where magic lives. I really believe Michael exists there. It's only natural, considering everything we know about him and his soul. He was and is, above everything else, an artist to his very core - a creative genius unlike any other we've ever known. His own unique expression through his art will never be duplicated, and the lengths to which he explored and was willing to go in order to take us on his adventure were unlimited!

In the verses of the chorus above, he encourages us to keep our heads up to the sky (where we will find our strength and inspiration.) And when he sings "Give me your wings so WE can fly"... he means just that. He needs our help to continue his work in the world ("I can't do it by myself... gonna take somebody's help"), and he's given us all the tools we need in his music. He holds us up with his words and his love, but he does not enable us to depend on him. He wants us to shine our own light in the world, because he knows we all have that capability. He lifts us up to help us find our own light, spread our own wings and tap into our own power to fly, and he will be flying right there with us. His message is that together, with our combined light and love, we can accomplish great things!

I'm the kind of person who has always been most comfortable hanging out in the background. Being a cog that helps the machine function effortlessly is what I do best. Taking care of logistics, details, paperwork, and anything else that needs doing in order to make a project run smoothly has been my job... in my career and in my personal life. Although my high school counselor said I was a leader among my peers, I didn't see myself that way. And, until recently, I didn't see myself as the creative type either. Oh, I had creative skills and ideas which I never hesitated to share with those who were 'in charge.' I didn't think twice about allowing them to take full credit for my ideas. To me, it was safer that way because if the idea failed, it would be on their shoulders, not mine! Nice cop-out, eh? I had an unreasonable fear of criticism, and I would be terribly embarrassed to be caught in the spotlight, even if I were to be caught doing something remarkable. But mostly I feared making a mistake for all to see because I'm a perfectionist (much like Michael) and any little error made in front of others would surely send me running to the hills to hide out in shame for the rest of my life! (I told you my fear was unreasonable.) So..... for most of my life, I played it safe. And because of this, I haven't accomplished nearly as much as I probably could have out of sheer terror of getting it wrong. Nor have I been able to reach outside of myself to help others for the same reason. This is where being a perfectionist pulled me down, unlike Michael whose perfectionism allowed him to soar to extraordinary heights and shine his light far beyond anything we could ever imagine. He is a beacon of brilliant light to all of us who have experienced pain and hardship in our lives and have allowed it to hold us back. By his example of courage and perseverance, and with his unconditional love for each of us, he has inspired us to spread our wings and fly... to let our lights shine before others!

Not long after this journey with Michael began, I had a dream that Michael came to the place where I work and was going to put on a concert there. Before the concert started, I was busily working in the background doing what I do best, making sure all the necessary things were in place so that everything would run smoothly. I remember distinctly the moment Michael arrived and he began warming up on stage. I stopped what I was doing long enough to watch this musical genius at work from across the room. Even in my dream he had a presence about him that was indescribable - I could feel it - and right now as I'm typing this, I am in tears remembering what it felt like to be in the same room with him. I was in awe!! And I stayed just far enough away and slightly out of sight so he wouldn't see me watching (or so I thought.) I would have been horribly embarrassed if he'd even looked my way! Soon, I busied myself again with my work and I didn't notice when he came up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder. I knew it was him before I even turned around. I caught my breath and held it there for a moment (very much like the breath Michael took in "The Way You Make Me Feel" video when he first saw the beautiful girl - I love that moment!) I summoned all my courage, composed myself and turned around to face him. He was stunning! Right there in front of me! And my knees felt like they were going to buckle under at any moment. But I remained surprisingly calm and waited for him to talk first. He then invited me to come up front with him. He asked me to introduce him when the concert started and he wanted me to join him in singing the opening song! I was flabbergasted by his request, wondering how he even knew that I could sing, and all I could say was... "What about my job? I have work to do." And he said, "Give it to her", pointing to a woman across the room who looked a little lost, as if she was wanting something to do. "She needs something to do and she can handle it just fine." So, I said "Alright, as long as you don't make me dance!" and, after giving the woman a few instructions, I joined Michael on stage. I woke up about this time in the dream. I don't remember doing the introduction or singing with him, but that wasn't the point. The point of this dream, for me, was that he was inviting me to share my light up front for all to see. He seemed to see something in me that I didn't see in myself, and simply because he noticed, he gave me permission to shine... without fear... to spread my wings and fly!!! And the fact that he knew I could do this without even knowing me, gave me the courage to do it. He took me out of my comfortable place of hiding in the background where it was safe and he lifted me to a place of prominence where my gifts could be shared with others, bringing joy and inspiration just as he has done his entire life. This dream represents everything he has done for me since he cracked my heart wide open in the summer of 2009.

Now, all this talk about shining and flying brings me to the reason I started writing this piece to begin with! After contemplating the lyrics to these two beautiful and very meaningful songs, "Best of Joy" and "Keep Your Head Up", I knew it was time for me to share a couple of poems I'd written in the last year about flying. The first one "If I Could Fly" reminds me of "Best of Joy" simply because it's a joyful and playful piece. One that reflects a feeling of pure joy and abandon at imagining what it would feel like to be able to fly. I wrote it in July of 2010 when I was on one of my ocean retreats as I watched the seagulls playing in the air currents on a very windy day at the beach. I used to have dreams about flying and, to this day, I still remember what it felt like to soar above the earth. It was incredible! Somewhere along the path of my life, I stopped having those dreams, and this poem was, in a sense, a re-capturing of that feeling of being able to soar and command the air in flight.

Photo taken by C. Burgess at Brookings Harbor, Oregon coast

If I Could Fly

If I could fly
Like a seagull flies
Dipping and swooping
Playing with the wind

Surfing
On a wave of air
With total abandon
Never a care

Perched atop a rock at sea
I would plan my strategy

Which way to go
To get the best lift
Make the wind carry me to the sky
Then swoop to the ground
Like falling off a cliff

Gliding with precision
So close to the ground
Like an airplane
Coming in for a landing

A roller coaster ride
On a windy day
It’s by far the best time to play

Going with the flow
I’d swing and I'd sway
Let the wind have its way
Like a kite with no strings

This must be
What it feels like
To be totally and utterly free!

07/05/10
Copyright © 2010 by Charlene Burgess

The second poem "Just Do It!" reminds me more of "Keep Your Head Up" in that it's about taking a leap of faith - without thinking about it too much - just taking off and flying, allowing myself to soar to the heights God intended. I wrote this poem at my ocean retreat in December 2010. I was eating breakfast at the resort where I was staying, watching the seagulls take off from their perch on the rooftop of a nearby building. I had been feeling somewhat "stuck" in recent weeks leading up to this retreat and I was looking to find some answers and fresh inspiration to move forward on this journey. Watching these seagulls take off without a thought, simply because it was natural to them, is what inspired this piece.

Just Do It!
Up high, so high
I can’t even see the sky
‘Cause I’m in it!
There is no limit to what I can do
If I believe…
Just do it!

Impossible, you say?
I don’t think so
There is always a way
Turned on by the power of love
I can do anything
Once I choose to move
Into the groove

Thanks to you, dear one
Your love lights up the sky
Even on a cloudy day
I don’t need to ask why

Birds in flight
Show me how it’s done
They just take off
Without a thought!
It’s natural to them, you see
God gave them wings
To fly above me

To me he gave a spirit to fly
Above the clouds
So high in the sky
So I could see the world below
Its beauty and pain
So I would know

My heart and soul say
Step aside, make some room
For love to enter the atmosphere
No more doom and gloom!

Up high, so high
I can’t even see the sky
‘Cause I’m in it!
There is no limit to what I can do
If I believe…
Just do it!

12/31/10
Copyright © 2010 by Charlene Burgess

My hope and prayer is that we will ALL continue to experience Michael's "Best of Joy" on this journey, being the very best that we can be for God, for Michael and for ourselves - and also sharing our light right here today and spreading our wings so WE can fly together with him! If we continue to do this... I mean really DO this, not just talk about it... we will achieve his ultimate dream, heading toward that bliss which Michael has written so much about, doing our part to make this world a better place... for God... for Michael... and for the children. 

 

Who Knew?

Light of my life
Hope of my soul
Desire of my heart
Who knew it would be you?
And that you would be who you are?
To the world
To the children
To the heavens and the earth

Of Sacred worth
In communion with all that you are
Mystic... Shaman... Angel of God
Love personified
Dreams electrified
High art in human form
Mystery of our time
Power sent forth to heal the world

Dancing the dream
You endured such pain
Body and blood, heart and soul
Given to heal our sickness
Would take its toll
Our shadow was to blame
Now, we bow our heads in shame

Who knew it would be you?
Brilliant light cast upon the earth
Touching souls
Collecting and gathering
We, your children, into the fold
Before you would exit
Leaving us to be
Your messengers of love
To carry on your dream
Of a world filled with peace
Joy and harmony

Who knew it would be Us?
We are your children
Your chosen ones
Are we up to the task?
Do we have what it takes?
Do we even need to ask?

It's time to take the world by storm
To make truth and justice simply the norm
No more questions
No more doubts
It's time to teach the world
What this thing is all about
With love at the core of all we do
We'll be your voice
We'll tell them...
It was You!

It was you who believed in us all along
That's why you never stopped singing your song
You knew it would be us
Your love was the fuel
Igniting this fire
You knew we'd make a fuss
And carry on your desire

Mystic... Shaman... Angel of God
Love personified
Dreams electrified
Light of our lives
Hope of our souls
Power sent forth to heal the world
Who knew it would be you?

God knew... that's Who

07/20/2010
Copyright © 2010 by Charlene Burgess

A Christmas Story: Yours and Mine

It's been a tradition of mine for many years to purchase one new Christmas CD each year to add to my collection. This year I decided to purchase the Trans-Siberian Orchestra CD entitled "Christmas Eve and Other Stories". To tell you the truth, I had never listened to their music before, although I had heard of them. This particular CD was produced in 1996, so it's been around a while. My general preference for Christmas music leans toward instrumental versions of classic carols or those sung by choirs. I also have artists such as Josh Groban, Jim Brickman and Michael W. Smith in my Christmas music library. Music that inspires is what I like to listen to, especially this time of year. Anything that tells the Christmas story and instills a sense of wonder and gratitude for the joy of the season and the precious gift of the Christ child.

I took my new Christmas CD to work with me the day after I purchased it, popped it into my boombox and began listening. But because I was busy working, I wasn't totally tuned in to most of the music except when a squealing electric guitar caught my attention. It surprised me because it wasn't what I was expecting - you might say I was even a little disappointed. Not that I don't like electric guitar, but it didn't feel much like Christmas music to me when I heard those parts! Nonetheless, I continued to play the CD as I worked. Soon there came a song that made me stop what I was doing to listen closely. A man's voice, a bit gritty and raw, was singing a ballad accompanied by an acoustic guitar. At first, I only heard his voice which touched something deep inside of me with its expression. I felt tears welling up and I didn't even know yet what he was singing about! I replayed the song and listened more carefully to his words and what I heard was a message as told in a story...MY story...OUR story of how Michael Jackson walked into our hearts and got our attention!

As you listen to the song and read the lyrics, think about this...For many of us, before Michael died, we were closed off, couldn't see past the end of our noses. We didn't even realize that there was anything we were missing...until June 25, 2009. Michael came into our vision and brought it into focus...he danced and sang his way into our hearts and taught us about all the things he had been noticing all along. Things that caused him heartache and concern for the world.

He noticed when a child or a fan in the crowd needed a hug...and he gave it. He noticed when a family or an individual needed help...and he offered it. He noticed when the world directed its prejudice or hatred toward certain kinds of people...and he spoke out about it. He noticed when we were blindly destroying our earth and not caring about the long term consequences...and he sang about it with passion!

He noticed when a sick or dying child just needed a touch or a smile...and he gave it with tenderness and Love in his heart. He was the little boy who came through the door into our sheltered world to show us what was happening outside, to shake us free from our comfortable places and help us to see that we could make a difference!

So, I decided to share this song with you here in hopes that we could be inspired to "somehow make this Christmas thing last"...

I wish you Hope, Peace, Joy, Love and always Inspiration this Christmas and throughout the coming year. May we continue to arrange to change the world as the Christ Child and our man-child have inspired us to do!

Old City Bar
In an old city bar
That is never too far
From the places that gather
The dreams that have been

In the safety of night
With its old neon light
It beckons to strangers
And they always come in

And the snow it was falling
The neon was calling
The music was low
And the night Christmas Eve

And here was the danger
That even with strangers
Inside of this night
It’s easier to believe

Then the door opened wide
And a child came inside
That no one in the bar
Had seen there before

And he asked did we know
That outside in the snow
That someone was lost
Standing outside our door

Then the bartender gazed
Through the smoke and the haze
Through the windows and ice
To a corner street light

Where standing alone
By a broken pay phone
Was a girl the child said
Could no longer get home

And the snow it was falling
The neon was calling
The bartender turned
And said, not that I care
But how would you know this?
The child said I’ve noticed
If one could be home
They’d be already there

Then the bartender came out from behind the bar
And in all of his life he was never that far
And he did something else that he thought no one saw
When he took all the cash from the register draw

Then he followed the child to the girl across the street
And we watched from the bar as they started to speak
Then he called for a cab and he said J.F.K.
Put the girl in the cab and the cab drove away
And we saw in his hand
That the cash was all gone
From the light that she had
Wished upon

If you want to arrange it
This world you can change it
If we could somehow make this
Christmas thing last

By helping a neighbor
Or even a stranger
And to know who needs help
You need only just ask

Then he looked for the child
But the child wasn’t there
Just the wind and the snow
Waltzing dreams through the air

So he walked back inside
Somehow different I think
For the rest of the night
No one paid for a drink

And the cynics will say
That some neighborhood kid
Wandered in on some bums
In the world where they hid

But they weren’t there
So they couldn’t see
By an old neon star
On that night, Christmas Eve

When the snow it was falling
The neon was calling
And in case you should wonder
In case you should care

Why we’re on our own
Never went home
On that night of all nights
We were already there

“Christmas Eve and Other Stories”
Trans-Siberian Orchestra, 1996

That Smile

 
That Smile

Magical

Enchanting

It lights up a room

Changes the atmosphere

Obliterates gloom

Piercing my defense

It invites me to dance

Sends love on a journey through my soul

Bathes me in light

Gives me courage to take a chance

Joy and tenderness

Reflected from within

An offering, a gift from your heart

Shining through the veil of shadow

It opens the door

Becomes a part of me

Extends an invitation to make a new start

That smile could end wars

Dispel hatred and fear

Bring peace throughout the land

A simple gesture bestowed in love

Creates harmony

Bids all people of the world to walk hand in hand

Accept it

Embrace it

Absorb its light

Let it warm your soul

Feel it down to your bones

Hear its music

Move to its rhythm

Take that chance

Open your heart

Invite others to join in the dance

Allow that smile to work its magic

As a flame ignites a burning love

Melting hearts around the world

A gem that sparkles and shines

Transforms humankind

Like a grain of sand turned into a pearl

That smile…

Created to beguile

To inspire, to delight

Brings darkness to its knees

And offers LOVE to light up the night

11/23/10

Copyright © 2010 by Charlene Burgess

     

Exposed

Several months into this journey with Michael, my confidence in what I was experiencing continued to grow. But it was by no means a straight path! Trust in my intuition as well as belief in Michael's presence would take many dips along the way into that dark pool of doubt. And sometimes the notion that Michael Jackson's spirit could actually be touching base with ME just seemed too outrageous to be true! I mean, we're talking the biggest star in the world here! There were times when the reality of this would hit me and I would ask myself why I would ever think that Michael Jackson would even have the slightest notion of who I was. It just seemed insane at times!! It didn't always make sense from a practical standpoint, and that was the gauge I was accustomed to using - my practical sense of earthly things - things I could see with my own eyes. My faith in God was probably about the only exception to this. In every other spiritual sense, I had been playing it safe far too long and had very little trust in things unseen or in matters of the heart and soul.

I had been considering attending a local "Holistic Faire" for some time to get a reading from someone with psychic abilities. I didn't know much about it, but I had been to one of these faires previously with my daughter, sat with her and took notes while she received a reading. I was mostly curious to hear what someone with this special gift would feel or sense coming from me or in the energy field around me. In a way, I think I was wanting to receive some kind of validation of what I was experiencing. A complex mix of thoughts and feelings were having their way with me about taking this risk - putting myself out there to be examined on a spiritual level by a complete stranger. Not knowing how reliable their "gift" would be and knowing that mistakes could be made caused an inner conflict with my need for validation. What would I hear? And what would I DO with that information? Most important, how would it effect my own perception of my personal experience? Would the reading be so vague that I would not find the answers I was seeking; consequently, adding even more weight to the doubt which already plagued me from time to time?

In March, after much inner deliberation, I made the decision to attend the Holistic Faire. The plan was to just wander around the room to get a feel for who was there, how I was feeling about being there, and to make a decision at that time whether I would go for a reading. Well, almost as soon as I entered the building, I felt a sense of dis-ease about it, but I wasn't entirely sure why. There were many people attending this faire, so there was a noticeable "buzz" in the room. It was a positive energy among people who were already well acquainted with one another, lending a sense of community to the environment. Under normal circumstances, this would be a good thing; however, my vulnerability caused me to feel very much like a stranger in a strange land. I proceeded with my original plan, picked up some information at the front table and walked around the room, reading the bio's on all the participants and getting a feel of the space. A variety of psychic gifts were represented, all of which I knew very little about. Each booth was only semi-private, with other people waiting in line for their readings. It all seemed too distracting and impersonal. My experience with Michael and our connection felt very personal to me, and the thought of exposing it to a stranger in this environment was quite unsettling. It didn't take me long to decide that I was not ready for this! I determined that I might consider a private reading later on, but for now, it just didn't feel right. When I left the facility, I went for a drive to process my feelings, stopped at a favorite spot along the river, and wrote the poem "Exposed" which is printed below.

Later on, I told a friend and mentor about the decision I'd made and she affirmed my choice, saying that I had done the right thing by following my intuition about the discomfort I was feeling, and she thought it was important for me to discern from my heart what my own truth was about this experience with Michael. Imagine that...me, getting back in touch with my heart and trusting it! I'm happy to say that I have made much progress in that area since March. Now, for the most part, I "just know" when Michael is present, communicating with me in his own unique ways to let me know this experience IS, indeed, authentic and he will be there when I need him. I no longer feel the need for human validation of this incredible journey, as this adventure has been affirmed by God and Michael in all the ways they make themselves known to me. As I stated in a previous post...they're in this together, you know!

Getting back to my heartspace and trusting it has been such an amazing gift, and I celebrate this Gift every single day! Although the path is still not entirely straight, my confidence in the truth of this experience has grown tremendously. I no longer question it. And Michael has been nothing if not consistent at showing up at just the right time to give me a loving nudge, sharing a little more of his light with me so I can see my way to the next thing - moving ahead inch by agonizing inch toward the goal of making the world a better place! Perseverance is one of his greatest virtues!

Exposed

Feeling exposed
Walking into a crowded room
Filled with those who would know my fate so soon

Can I trust their gift to get it right
May cause a rift, what is their insight
My soul laid open for all to see
What lies inside of me

Escaping the prison that was my life
My wounded soul sliced open with a knife
His death would be
The start of a new journey
My broken heart revealing
My truth, all that I’ve been feeling

This awakening
Charged with joy, fraught with pain
Something inside me come to life again
I’m learning to trust, to understand
The message, my part, his guiding hand

Not always sure of my sanity
Someone said, that’s ego, it fears its own mortality
Be gentle with it, it’s like a child
Selfish needs will try to rule, resist, defile

But if I believe in my calling
Love will rule the day
Keep me from falling prey
To those who doubt, including my fragile ego
This is not about self, God is freeing me to go
To places I’ve only dreamed
Experiencing love in the extreme
My gift to impart to others from my heart

The journey so far has been resplendent
Overflowing with love, light and encouragement
Taking me beyond my wildest expectations
His light so bright, filling all the empty spaces

Wanna hold on, never let go
Can I keep the light burning all on my own
Is my belief strong enough to withstand
Comments from those who don’t “get” the man
Can I still love and know as God knows
What lies within must be exposed
Still wanting to protect this precious gift
If others inspect, will the treasure be lifted
Invasion of privacy allows them to judge
Can I be exposed without bending to the nudge

Vulnerable, but strong, taking a stand
For truth, love and justice, he’ll hold my hand
He won’t let go, for this is the call
The mission to send his message to all
If validation is what I seek
Remember his courage and don’t be weak
All that he endured for the cause
Will give me strength and conviction without pause

Being exposed is part of the test
Persecution from all the rest
Will be my cross to bear
For this great love I am blessed to share

03/13/10
Copyright © 2010 by Charlene Burgess

The Wandering Beach Ball

Journal Entry -
July 3, 2010

On this first day of my coastal retreat, I was sitting on a log on the beach with my back to the wind. I had just finished writing a poem and I stopped for a moment to enjoy watching the waves. The wind was so strong this day, there weren’t many people on the beach, so I was pretty much alone.

Thinking out loud, I said “What do you think Michael? This is pretty amazing, huh? Even with the wind blowing sand everywhere (it was piling up, even in my ears) at least it’s not foggy or rainy. The sky is a brilliant blue and it’s a beautiful day! The ocean is as glorious as ever!”

My mind started to wander and I was thinking about how much I’ve aged this past year with everything that’s been going on...seriously! You know, the emotional toll of it all. It’s been a roller coaster ride of emotions! And losing sleep - not because I can’t sleep, but because I don’t want to. I want to absorb everything about this experience! It truly has been an “awakening” of my soul. But, the heaviest emotional toll of all, I think, is that I still hurt so much for Michael and all the cruelty he endured. I’m so discouraged by the darkness of humanity. And sometimes I feel helpless to do anything to make it better. I cannot change the past for Michael, and the future is not clear. How can one person sitting alone on the beach make the world a better place? How can one person change the atmosphere on this large ball of matter called Earth? How does one person take away some darkness and add a little more light to this big wide world? How did Michael do it? I don’t know if I can! In my hopelessness and pain, I started to cry - (again!) - I‘ve been doing a lot of that in the last twelve months…

Then… jolting me out of my despair with impeccable timing, my oh-so serious thoughts were interrupted by a small beach ball rolling up from behind me along the shoreline! It startled me at first, then I turned to see if its owner was following along behind. There was nobody chasing after it - it was all by itself! Someone had obviously lost it to the wind. It continued to roll past me, skipping and hopping, like it had a life of it’s own - it was on a playful stroll down the beach! Since it was a small ball, I realized it must have belonged to a small child. My thoughts immediately went to Michael. Then it hit me - this was a little hint from him! A tap on my shoulder to say “stop, and pay attention.” A sweet and playful nudge reminding me to lighten up - to play - to capture the joy! Seeing that ball skip and hop down the beach, I started laughing from my belly and it felt so good! I watched as it continued its journey along the shore. It surprised some people on its way, sneaking up behind them - and each time I laughed some more. It was as if Michael, ever the prankster, was having fun with this wandering ball on the beach and I was his captive audience. Oh, what joy!

A little more light just entered the atmosphere.

Thank you Michael! Now, I cry tears of gratitude and joy…for the laughter…for all you have given me…for your belief in me…for coming around and touching me in unexpected ways every time I’m about to give up. You don’t know what that means to me!

Well, maybe you do… :)