Journal Entry -
July 3, 2010
On this first day of my coastal retreat, I was sitting on a log on the beach with my back to the wind. I had just finished writing a poem and I stopped for a moment to enjoy watching the waves. The wind was so strong this day, there weren’t many people on the beach, so I was pretty much alone.
Thinking out loud, I said “What do you think Michael? This is pretty amazing, huh? Even with the wind blowing sand everywhere (it was piling up, even in my ears) at least it’s not foggy or rainy. The sky is a brilliant blue and it’s a beautiful day! The ocean is as glorious as ever!”
My mind started to wander and I was thinking about how much I’ve aged this past year with everything that’s been going on...seriously! You know, the emotional toll of it all. It’s been a roller coaster ride of emotions! And losing sleep - not because I can’t sleep, but because I don’t want to. I want to absorb everything about this experience! It truly has been an “awakening” of my soul. But, the heaviest emotional toll of all, I think, is that I still hurt so much for Michael and all the cruelty he endured. I’m so discouraged by the darkness of humanity. And sometimes I feel helpless to do anything to make it better. I cannot change the past for Michael, and the future is not clear. How can one person sitting alone on the beach make the world a better place? How can one person change the atmosphere on this large ball of matter called Earth? How does one person take away some darkness and add a little more light to this big wide world? How did Michael do it? I don’t know if I can! In my hopelessness and pain, I started to cry - (again!) - I‘ve been doing a lot of that in the last twelve months…
Then… jolting me out of my despair with impeccable timing, my oh-so serious thoughts were interrupted by a small beach ball rolling up from behind me along the shoreline! It startled me at first, then I turned to see if its owner was following along behind. There was nobody chasing after it - it was all by itself! Someone had obviously lost it to the wind. It continued to roll past me, skipping and hopping, like it had a life of it’s own - it was on a playful stroll down the beach! Since it was a small ball, I realized it must have belonged to a small child. My thoughts immediately went to Michael. Then it hit me - this was a little hint from him! A tap on my shoulder to say “stop, and pay attention.” A sweet and playful nudge reminding me to lighten up - to play - to capture the joy! Seeing that ball skip and hop down the beach, I started laughing from my belly and it felt so good! I watched as it continued its journey along the shore. It surprised some people on its way, sneaking up behind them - and each time I laughed some more. It was as if Michael, ever the prankster, was having fun with this wandering ball on the beach and I was his captive audience. Oh, what joy!
A little more light just entered the atmosphere.
Thank you Michael! Now, I cry tears of gratitude and joy…for the laughter…for all you have given me…for your belief in me…for coming around and touching me in unexpected ways every time I’m about to give up. You don’t know what that means to me!
Well, maybe you do… :)
