Photo art created by Billie Jean Used with permission - Thank you BJ!
* * * * * * *
Our private rendezvous is coming to an end
Remembering our time together
Every moment precious
Time has been our friend
These sweet memories will stay
Keeping me alive 'til one bright day
I came to find answers
to questions that are haunting
Where do I go from here?
What more does life have in store for me?
How may I use my gifts to your glory?
Tell me, how shall I continue this journey?
Even as I prepare to leave
Returning to my life
of aching arms and broken dreams
I still don’t know what the future holds
Except that I’ll be getting old!
The answers don't always seem so clear
Tell me now, so I can hear you
This life is such a mystery
Profound and deep when you hold the key
But it’s much more simple than you expect
Just keep your head up and do your best
What else can I say beyond all that?
But Love is the key that keeps you on track
And therein lies the greatest mystery of all
How can something with no shape or form
hold you upright and not let you fall?
It’s in your spirit, your very soul
The energy that makes you whole
You don’t even need your physical form
Except to take action and get the job done
Make your presence known
On this earth, in this time
And do all you can to set things straight
Make it all rhyme
You don’t even need to steer this ride
'Cause God is at the helm
Just trust... and He will guide
He is the Maestro, the Conductor of Souls
He’s the only One who really knows you…
Because He made you
Look around you, see what He’s done
It’s all as it should be, in perfect order
This masterpiece of creation
Why do you question the Maestro’s word?
Why do you doubt the ultimate power?
Just accept His love
He wants you to have it
And be about living in the light
‘til it becomes a habit!
The answer you've been seeking
lies within, if you understand it
The greatest mystery of all
isn't really a mystery
It is Love, pure and simple
Give it away...
then you will have it!
It was brought to my attention on January 31 this year that this was the date in 2005 when Michael stood before a judge and plead 'not guilty' to unthinkable charges which were brought against him by a money hungry family and a greedy politician. I couldn't get the imagined picture of him standing in that courtroom proclaiming his innocence out of my mind. Other images of his famous walks to and from the courthouse in Santa Maria, California, during the 5 month trial that followed his official plea flooded my thoughts as well. And I couldn't help thinking about all the events leading up to that time as well as the events that followed the jury's verdict of "Not Guilty" 14 times on June 13, 2005. This date will stand out in history as the day Michael Jackson was declared innocent of child molestation; but even though he was exonerated, the truth is, his life would never be the same after that. And we continued to hear slanderous remarks and innuendoes regurgitated by the media and the public from those who just couldn't seem to believe in his innocence. It's an unfortunate and an unjustified misconception we are still dealing with today.
This is not the first time I have thought of these things, nor is it the first time I have cried many tears over the injustice of this insane situation and how it crushed Michael's soul! But this is the first time I found the words to express all that was occupying my heart and mind when these images - these memories - came flooding back all at once.
This remarkable journey I've been on with Michael since June 25, 2009, has led me through some extreme highs and lows along the way, learning new things at every turn about this innocent and generous man we all love so very much. I just keep loving him more and more as time goes on and I want him to know how much of a difference he has made in my life. I want him to know that everything he gave us...all he sacrificed...all he endured was somehow not in vain. The impact he has made on my life and the lives of so many around the world is a powerful testimony to the effectiveness of his life's work and the mission he was here to accomplish! I bow before him in humble gratitude for the precious gifts he shared with us at such a high cost! And I thank God every day for the gift of Michael in this world!
His message was love, pure and simple... we got it!... And we're not letting it go!
Innocent!
An innocent man went to trial today
Accused of things he couldn't even say
Seventy officers invaded his home
Ransacked and pillaged through everything he owned
The paradise he'd created
Lost its soul that day
And Neverland lost its Peter Pan
Because they couldn't accept
He was an innocent man
Handcuffed, paraded before all of humanity
Viscious tongues lashed out in glee, "He's Guilty!"
The lynching began before the trial even started
This innocent man was hate's favorite target
Thirsty for blood, they couldn't wait
For him to meet his presumed fate
Humble and proud, he stood before the judge
"I'm not guilty, your honor
And I want you to know I won't hold a grudge
I forgive them, you see
For they know not what they do
I'll face the jury
Then the world will know the truth"
His innocent nature was not an act
Some found it hard to believe
'Cause the truth is, as a matter of fact
On stage he was a 'beast'
A sensitive man to the very core
An artist, a genius, a master of his craft
We'd never seen anything... or anyone
Quite like him before
His love of children
Was the whole of his existence
Without them, you see, he wouldn't want to be
The children of the world were his reason for living
They knew his true soul
His innocence they could see
A healer of the sick
And a lover of all things pure
He believed in magic, this innocent man
And he only wanted to share it
With everyone throughout the land
Bringing joy and escapism
To this hurting world
He gave us all he had to give
His love, energy and light
Put our spirits in a whirl
Growing wings to fly
Like Peter Pan
Above the clouds so high
A child at heart
God's innocent delight
He inspired us all to be child-like
To love as a child loves
And to remember their plight
But the media vultures
And their pandering public
Didn't understand
The purity of his soul
They really believed
He was capable of hurting
The very thing
That made him feel whole
They judged and ridiculed
Laughed and pointed
Chewed him up and spit him out
They were ugly and mean
They just didn't understand
What this innocent man
Was really all about
The trial was a farce
It should never have been
And ultimately
They couldn't convict
This innocent man
But they took his soul
In two thousand and five
And even though
He came back to show us
He was ever alive
This innocent man
Would leave us again
When the doctor contrived
To let him die
In the year two thousand and nine
Although his body is gone from this earth
His spirit lives on
A new day, a new birth!
His love penetrates
The hearts of those who believe
'Cause he planted the seed
In you and in me
The gifts God gave him for us to see
How to live and love and just how to be
Have inspired us to be the very best that we can be
He gave us insight to heal this planet
So, we're workin' day and night to put some love back in it
What an amazing adventure this has been so far! Riding this wave of discovery, pain and love has been one magical experience after another. Yes, even in the pain, as difficult as this may be to comprehend. I think it's something only those who are on the same journey can fully understand. Others may hear our words as we attempt to describe the impact Michael Jackson has had on our hearts and on our souls. They may nod their heads and even say they understand, but in all reality, they can't possibly. It's just not understandable - it defies logic. How does one feel such a strong soul connection to someone they have never met? And how can one say they are grieving the loss of this individual more than they've ever grieved for anyone, including their own family members? That just seems wrong to anyone who has not been on the receiving end of Michael's immense light and love. I can understand their questioning and their doubt. I've had plenty of that myself along this path.
So, it occurred to me several months ago that my family members might be a bit bewildered by some of the poems and stories I had written about this experience, should they come across them by accident. What if something happened to me tomorrow and all that is left for them to piece together the mystery of this phenomenon I've been speaking of for the last year and a half are my poems and other writings which are kept in files on my computer? Some of the poems are quite personal and could appear to be proof that maybe I had lost my mind just a little bit! These more personal poems are some of my most treasured, and I would not want to leave them in the hands of someone who didn't understand the depth of this experience. If I had the opportunity to explain all of this to them through my writing, knowing they would be reading it after I was gone, what would I say? And recognizing that when someone dies, their loved ones suddenly see them more in the light of truth and goodness, I knew that anything I left behind for them to read would hold so much more meaning after I had gone than it would right now.
I decided to create a file that would hold all of my most treasured writings with a personal message about what this experience has meant to me and what I hope they will hold in their hearts after I'm gone. I would like to share a portion of that message with you here.
Funny...when I started writing, the first thing that came to me was a poem...
Michael’s Magic
To those who may read what’s in this file After I’ve gone to heaven’s domain I want to explain So you won’t think I was totally insane!
Rest assured, there’s more to this than meets the eye Michael has touched hearts with his love worldwide I have no illusions of physical love, my head is on straight, Just ask God above! Because He’s behind this, you can be sure In His grand plan, Michael was the lure His life was designed to get our attention Send the messages and make us question:
How do we live? Are we contributing to a better tomorrow? Or are we feeding humanity’s darkness, adding to the world’s sorrow?
How do we love? Are we kind and thoughtful, always forgiving? Or do we judge harshly how others are living?
When in our presence, do others feel our peace? Or do we cause tension, discomfort, or great dis-ease?
Think about it and read my words His love is a gift, it’s changed my world He made me realize That a love such as this can be the prize For a life of bliss, no surprise!
Our soul connection is just as true As anything between me and you God gave him to us for just awhile To teach us about a love worthwhile
Anyone can claim it It’s free to those who seek it His example was perfect No need to change it or rearrange it
To those who judge You’re missing the boat The greatest story ever wrote In plain sight for all to see His message of love will set you free
Michael never hesitated to express his love - for his fans, his friends and colleagues, his family, and most of all for God, as he expressed over and over his humble gratitude for his divine gift. He was a dynamic force for love in the world and all who knew him will tell of his other-worldly presence, the way he made them feel, always bringing out the best in those who could see and feel his light. They say that you won’t see the light in Michael if you don’t see it in yourself. To that I say, take a look in the mirror and ask yourself, ‘If I don’t see the light in Michael, what am I missing in me? Why have I buried my light? And why am I afraid to bring it out into the open? What is it about love and goodness that frightens me so? I want to know!’
If you really want to know, God will take your hand and show you his plan - you can be certain of a journey you will never forget. The path to your light may be difficult at times, even painful, but the love and enlightenment you experience along the way will be the most perfect, pure, and soul-freeing feeling you have ever known!
When I speak of my love for Michael and my soul connection with him, it is with an understanding of him being so special a gift to many, many others around the world. I’m not alone in this! But it feels personal to each and every one of us; and in a way, it is! It appears we have been “chosen” to share his messages in the world, for our own individual reasons. Our unique life experiences have drawn us each to his light, and we have been transformed. Michael’s love is a pure, perfect, selfless kind of love that most of us find very difficult to express in our “humanness”, for we are not perfect, nor are we entirely selfless. He has transformed millions of hearts around the world during his lifetime and since his death. He gives us hope for a better tomorrow, and makes us feel that it IS possible to make the world a better place.
We can only hope to live our lives in a way that brings out the good in others. To express and give the kind of love that has no conditions upon it, as a child does. The pain and suffering we experience in life often hardens us to that kind of love. Michael was unique in that he was gifted with an inner knowing, an understanding about that kind of pure goodness - the importance of love - and he expressed it so freely, showing us by his example that no matter how much life knocks you around or how much hatred and cruelty you encounter, it’s LOVE that lives on and conquers the darkness of man! He died trying to bring that message to us one last time, even after certain factions of humanity beat him to a pulp and judged him for things that were based solely on lies, creating a global misunderstanding of his true nature. Because man is so tainted by his own darkness: greed, ego, lust for power, call it what you will - but the reality of what happened to Michael reflects the darkest and most sinister aspects of humankind.
Michael was gifted with an extremely bright light - so bright, in fact, that we didn’t quite know what to make of it. He spent the majority of his life being very misunderstood, judged for being ‘different’, and portrayed by the media as a freak. He had a strong faith and a clear understanding of his purpose in life, his divine gift and how he was to use it. He stayed strong through all the ridicule. And although Michael attracted much darkness to him because of his bright light, his love lives on and is ultimately the most powerful force in the world! This is the message God is sending to us through Michael!
Michael’s entire body of work, everything about the way he lived his life, including his struggles and how he handled them, his appearance, his health issues, his childlike nature, his gentleness, his kindness, his passion as expressed through his music and performances, even his anger over the injustices in this world, were all designed to get our attention - to make us sit up and take notice! His death was the starting point of an “awakening” around the world. This phenomenon is growing, it’s gaining strength and numbers as more and more people realize they are not alone in this experience and as others come to a new understanding of the truth about Michael Jackson. As difficult as it is for many of us to accept, I believe he had to die for people to start searching, wanting to know more about this man who was such a huge presence in this world. Efforts to understand why many judged him so harshly have led to a new knowledge of the real man behind the mask. Technology has given us an opportunity to view and read about his entire lifetime of music, interviews, speeches, performances, humanitarian efforts and even unguarded moments captured on film. Altogether, we see an entirely different man than what was portrayed by the media all these years! Shock and disbelief at how we could have been so fooled has been a common reaction among many. Or maybe we just weren’t paying close attention. Even those of us who were not "so fooled" are still discovering many new truths about this genius who lived and loved among us for 50 years.
We have come to the realization that this is a time for us to take a look at ourselves as a human race, to become aware of the things about ourselves we would like to change, and to BE that force for change in the world! This is everything Michael was trying to tell us when he was here! It’s all in his music - and in his example, his entire life - available for us to see and hear, to finally understand why he was here! If we don’t see it, we are losing out - we will miss the miracle that is right in front of us! I believe that Michael was a spiritual messenger, sent by God to teach us, to show us how to live and love. To show us the darkest side of humanity, so that we would be inspired to make a change in ourselves and to do everything we can to make the world better.
The Boomer generation knows more than any what this is about. When we were younger, we believed we could make a difference in the world - change it for the better. We marched, stood, sat, chanted, rallied and sang for peace, love, equality, justice, and freedom of expression in an effort to make the rest of the world see that there was a better way. Previous generations had gotten too comfortable with their way of thinking, and it didn’t work anymore - things needed to change! And it was our time to bring that change about in the world. We did have an effect - change did happen and we made progress toward those ideals. But somewhere along the way, the Boomers' passion faded. Many of us “gave up” the cause when we grew up a bit more, got married, settled down, raised a family, got busy just making it through a day in our lives with all the demands of simply existing.
Michael represented the hope we had when we were younger - the hope for a better tomorrow. His messages echoed everything we stood for. And as he continued to rally for change and enlightenment, we stood by and watched with interest this force, this powerful energy in one single human being who never gave up - who stayed the course on our behalf, and he did it alone! God’s timing of Michael's life here on Earth was immaculate! Michael’s death, and the subsequent awakening of the world to his purpose was preordained in my opinion. The Boomers are now coming of age - full circle so to speak. Empty nesters coming into retirement are now ready to receive the message, and to do something once again to effect change in the world! Michael knew this. These lyrics from his song, JAM, reflect that awareness:
The world keeps changing Rearranging minds and thoughts Predictions fly of doom The Baby Boom has come of age to work it out
Although the Baby Boomers are not the only generation experiencing this awakening and receiving Michael’s messages, the timing of his life and his death, I believe, was part of a plan to bring the boomers back to a state of enlightened consciousness to lead the way, creating another global movement for change!
One of the most amazing things about this experience has been to see how he has touched people of all generations. Every age from toddlers to seniors are feeling his energy, not only in his music, but they are also experiencing his love and his goodness in ways that we could not have imagined just over one year ago. We have so much to learn from him, and my hope is that minds will continue to open up to the possibility that Michael Jackson may just have something valuable to impart to us all. Those who resist because they don’t understand, or they don’t “get” this thing about Michael, will spend their life missing out on one of the greatest gifts in our lifetime.
I feel so utterly blessed to be one who knows - to be "chosen" to receive this remarkable understanding! I hope and pray my loved ones and friends will join me on this journey, or at the very least open their minds to the possibility that what I am sharing is absolutely everything I say it is! Even if you don’t get it until after I am gone, please know that I LOVE YOU with all my heart and soul and I wish for the same kind of awareness to come to you in your lifetime - no matter what form it takes, no matter who the messenger. For you to know that this immense light, this perfect kind of love can be real for anyone who seeks it. And for you to understand why I behaved the way I did, why this was so important to me, and why it changed my life forever!
Now...to get to the question I know has been nagging at you since the beginning of all of this: "How in the world could she feel so deeply about someone she's never even met?" I'll do my best to explain. Along this journey, I have felt a sense of knowing Michael, of our souls being connected somehow, somewhere, without really comprehending how or where or why. This feeling was very challenging for me to come to terms with in the beginning - it took months for me to finally accept that it could be. I don’t profess to know with 100% certainty whether I have ever "known" Michael before, and I don’t imagine I will know with 100% certainty in this lifetime. What I do recognize is that God has worked very hard at cracking my heart and mind wide open to receive this Gift. It is a calling which I cannot say "no" to - it comes from God! And I have come to know without question that there IS a connection of some kind - a spiritual bond between two very like-minded individuals with numerous "threads" connecting us throughout our lives. These threads went undiscovered until his passing. And I didn’t go looking for them - they came to me! Too many synchronicities to make this connection only a coincidence. And too many "coincidences" to be anything less than part of a very grand plan designed by The Master himself! I have my own ideas regarding what it all means, which I have already told you about here. But I am certain there will be pieces of this grand puzzle which will remain a mystery until I leave this world. I have come to accept that and, in the absence of 20/20 vision, I have called upon my faith to simply BELIEVE that God, the infinite power and authority of the entire universe, knows what He's doing! As Michael sang in the song Keep the Faith..."the power's in believing." Now that I have come to believe, my part is only to seek direction and a willingness to act on fulfilling my specific calling.
Beyond this, I must add that I do believe Michael’s essence represents a universal kind of spirit and love in the world. There are many around the globe who have expressed the same feeling of a soul connection to him, so I am not under the illusion that it’s just me. His universal presence and appeal is, I’m sure, part of the plan to get his messages to as many people across the globe as possible. This makes sense, but it doesn’t change the feeling inside that it’s personal. And I believe that feeling is intentional. It's something God has gifted to us and he wants us to accept the Gift!
The poems and writings I have posted in this file are deeply private and they represent the very personal nature of my feelings about Michael and my connection to him. These are not the unfulfilled fantasies of a crazed fan, I need you to know that and believe it! These writings are my way of processing my feelings about this personal connection, my understanding of what it may mean, and my coming to terms with it. They express my deepest emotions, and they hint at how I am drawing from the inspiration I received from him in this process. Yes, I do feel a deep love for Michael - his heart and soul - Michael the person. I believe he represents the kind of love I have longed for all my life. I honestly don’t know if I will find it with another person in this lifetime, but Michael has helped me to believe in it again. I beg you to respect my experience and to help me continue his legacy of love which I hope I have passed on to you.
These writings are everything to me - they express all that I am at the deepest part of my being! If you destroy these, you destroy my being in this world. These pieces, along with everything in my journal, represent the culmination of my life experience. Through this soul awakening, I have come to understand that my entire life, all 57 years of it, was preparation for this moment in time. That’s how big this is! And that’s why it may have seemed to you at times that I was overly obsessed. Do not judge me until you have walked a mile in my moccasins! I assure you, this experience is as real as anything you experience in your day-to-day living!
How does a person explain an entire lifetime of something missed? A sense that a true spiritual kind of love has passed you by - that everything you believed in as a child was wrong and would never come to be in your world. How does one explain the feeling of emptiness in your soul because of the mistakes, the dead ends and the days of just existing? How does one explain that they’ve never felt a sense of purpose or known what God intended for them in this lifetime? How do you approach the latter part of your life without ever having resolved that? There has to be more to one's life than this! And then, the answers come! Completely out of the blue - totally unexpected - and through a person you never dreamed would be your muse! It’s been life-changing, to say the least, and I hope that you will find it in your heart to honor me and my memory for what I am striving to do with my life - that you can tell your children and grandchildren that their grandma and great-grandma made a difference in the world and you are so very proud of her!
My true hope is that you will gain an understanding of my heart and my soul - an acceptance of who I was during my time here on Earth, mistakes and all. That you will cherish and respect my memory and you will know and feel this great love as I have been so blessed to receive. If I have truly lived as I have been called to live, the things I have done to contribute toward a better tomorrow should give you pause for reflection on your own life and whether you are contributing to a healthier, more loving humanity. And you will remember this all began with a little Moonwalker from Gary, Indiana!
I have no doubt Michael Joseph Jackson will be remembered for generations to come, not only for his musical talent, but also for the ways he contributed to changing the world for the better and inspiring others to do the same. I expect the “flavor” of what we will hear and read about Michael in the years to come will change from the sensationalistic stories of a "weird" eccentric genius, to a more realistic view of a man with a heart who shared his immense gift in order to make the world a better place. A spiritual messenger living among us! May HIStory tell the real story, the truth of this man who lent his light, his magic and his heart to us for 50 years and beyond!
Have you ever had a series of incidents happen, all tied together creating a beautiful and inspiring story, wrapped up with an “ah-ha!” moment at the end? When the first one or two happened you were touched; they were special, but not particularly remarkable. And you didn’t quite see the connections between these events until the very last incident came along and slammed it home so hard you were blown away by the sheer magnitude of meaning behind these events. You then realized there was a purpose for each one, leading up to the grand finale when all the pieces fit together into a cohesive series of remarkable coincidences which could not have been more perfectly planned! I call these “God-incidences,” and more recently “Michael-incidences” because for me they usually involve some sort of message from Michael. Well, friends, I have an amazing story to tell involving rainbows and love messages. Messages for you and for me. But first, let’s rewind back to the summer of 2009...
When my life-changing journey with Michael began last summer, I was grieving so heavily that for months, all I did was cry whenever I was alone. I could barely hold it together to get through my workdays or times when I was required to be with other people. I did my best to keep it under wraps because I didn’t entirely understand what was happening to me at first. I couldn’t explain it to anyone else if I didn’t understand it myself. My boss noticed something was wrong one day when I came back from lunch with watery, puffy eyes and all I could say to her was, “God uses very unlikely vessels sometimes to get our attention. And this one has got me stumped! I‘ll let you know as soon as I figure it out.” I was so confused and dazed by my extreme grief over Michael’s death during this time that I wasn’t keeping track of all the amazing ways he was touching me and awakening my soul. I could see Michael’s light, and God was changing my heart with new vision and profound awareness about who this man was! I mean, I always knew Michael, but I didn’t really know him, you know? Through watching his performances and interviews and reading anything about him I could get my hands on, through my dreams and discoveries of our many “soul connections” along the way, as well as through prayer and answers to prayer, I was learning the truth about Michael Jackson from the inside out. God was showing me everything and I was like a sponge, absorbing as much as I possibly could, saturating my spirit with the essence of this man who came out of nowhere to inspire me! It was so overwhelming at times, my head was literally spinning, my stomach was constantly in knots, and my heart felt like it was going to explode from the sheer volume of light, love, and knowledge that was streaming into my consciousness every day. I remember thinking, “If I tell anyone about this, they will surely think I’ve gone insane! Nobody else around me seems to have caught this wave. Why is that?”
I soon realized that this ride was going to last a while and I needed to start recording my journey somehow, so in December I started a journal, and soon after that I began writing poetry, to my shock and delight! I would never have called myself the creative type. But something was stirring…no, something was brewing up a storm inside of me! And all the ways in which Michael was touching me were crying out to be expressed. He seemed to want to show me my potential as a creative being. And what I thought was just a quirk when I wrote my first poem, has turned out to be so much more than that. My entire creative spirit has been awakened! I look at everything differently now. I see beauty in art of all kinds and I am often moved to tears just by looking at a drawing a child has made, or watching a bird perched atop a small tree begin to dance in front of me! All things of nature are suddenly more vibrant: cloud formations in the sky, the moon and the stars, the way the leaves rustle in the trees when the wind blows, a perfectly formed flower, crickets singing on a warm summer night, a child’s laughter, and Michael’s voice in all its forms and expressions as he sings to me every single day.
My intuition has also been awakened by this experience and, for the most part, I have “tuned in” to that force within me that just knows. I questioned it at first, but I don’t anymore. I just know when Michael is connecting with me or when God is communicating with me through him. When I started my journal in December, I attempted to record some incidents that happened prior to that, but many of them have been lost in the haze of this mind-boggling experience. That’s OK, I have plenty of “Michael-incidences” to keep me going for some time. There’s one in particular that I’d like to share with you now…
It was right around the third week in May. I had been feeling somewhat alone in recent weeks, not sensing Michael’s presence so much, wanting to know if he was still with me. I was running an errand after work one day, walking to my car with headphones on listening to “Someone in the Dark.” Just as Michael was singing to me "look for the rainbow in the sky," I turned around to get into my car and there it was. A full double rainbow! It was so beautiful it took my breath away! And from where I was standing, it looked like the end of the smaller rainbow was near my home, so I set out to find it. Driving toward my neighborhood, I realized once I got a little closer that it was farther away than I first thought and I couldn‘t get to it, so I abandoned my search. But I wasn’t disappointed, it was still an awesome experience! I was once again reminded of Michael’s presence and his surprising ways of letting me know that he’s still with me. I was grateful for this little message and I thanked him for it.
“Then somewhere in your heart you can feel the glow A light to keep you warm when the night winds blow Look for the rainbow in the sky Oh, I believe you and I could never really say goodbye”
Now, fast forward about a month, right before the one year anniversary of Michael’s death. It was June 22. I received an email from my sister. It was a forward - you know, one of those with an inspirational message attached. Well, this message came with a beautiful picture of a double rainbow. I immediately recalled my rainbow sighting in May accompanied by Michael’s magical voice. And thinking about it triggered another memory from years ago, which I wrote about to my daughter when I forwarded this rainbow photo & message to her. I wrote, “Do you remember years ago when we were driving on the freeway and we drove right through the end of a rainbow? It was like this bright yellow light all around us when we drove through it - all golden! Just like they say, there's a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow... and we touched it! (or it touched us!) Pretty amazing, huh? That can only happen once in a lifetime!” This statement triggered the flow of words into a simple little poem written very quickly and sent to my daughter and friends, telling them the story of how this beautiful rainbow touched me.
Once In a Lifetime Touched by a rainbow Golden light Embraced me, caressed me Renewed my inward sight
Warmed my heart Enticed a vow Penetrated my soul
One precious moment The pot of gold was mine Changed my world forever Pure love, so divine
Miracle of nature The essence of You Captured in its radiance Love, Perfection, Truth
Once in a lifetime A rainbow touches you Golden light Its gift is life anew
I feel compelled to add here that the words written in this poem express how I felt on this day, June 22, 2010 as I recalled the moment we drove through the end of the rainbow many years earlier. I don't remember feeling these things then or being so spiritually moved by the experience at the time, other than a sense of awe at the odds of something like that happening to anyone, anywhere! I feel that my words here are more a reflection of my journey with Michael over the last year and the fact that he had touched me twice in recent weeks with his rainbow messages. But, as I mentioned earlier, these first two incidents were very special, but not extremely remarkable…not yet, that is.
Even though I was briefly inspired by these "Michael-incidences," my mind was intently focused on the impending anniversary date of Michael’s death. Feeling an underlying sense of dread in anticipation of the emotions which would be evoked by the memories of that day, I knew the harsh reality of his being gone from this earth and the overwhelming awareness of this tremendous loss to the world would be driven home with cutting precision like a stake through my heart, re-opening those slightly healed wounds from one year ago. After watching a few of the specials on TV, reading and viewing many of the wonderful tributes about him on the internet, and participating in the Major Love Prayer, the date was forever marked as a day to honor the remarkable life and contributions of this amazing man. My grief intensified and I felt somewhat lost and very much alone. I wanted to write something…anything about how I was feeling, but the words didn’t come. I couldn't pin them down.
I was also reminded once again of the immense task in front of me - continuing to do Michael’s work in the world - and I was not so sure if I was up to it. Oh, I had some good ideas and I had done a few small things already, but it didn’t seem like much. Not in comparison to Michael’s life and everything he did! Nor did it seem like much in comparison to things I'd seen other fans doing. I could tell I was heading down that path again - you know the one where you feel very small and insignificant in the larger picture. Incapable, unworthy, and oh-so alone. Even when I know I’m heading there, I can’t always stop myself. I have to get to the point where I break, where my soul cries out for reassurance and I need that extra little push to believe in myself again. I reached that point a few days after the anniversary.
I was at work, alone in my office during the afternoon hours, and I could feel the pressure building. Emotions were on the verge of breaking through to release the pressure, threatening to spill over into a waterfall of tears. I managed to find time to go to a place where I was safe and where I knew I would be completely alone. I entered my church’s sanctuary. It was empty and still - the light coming through the stained glass windows cast a warm glow throughout the room. The ornate woodwork and the beautiful windows lend themselves to the simple charm of this historic little place of worship which still captures my heart every time I enter its sacred inner space. It's a place of comfort and protection for me - a place where I can feel God’s presence and His constant love. I sat in a pew a few rows from the front, looked up at my favorite stained glass window of Jesus praying in the garden at Gethsemane the night before he was crucified... and the dam inside of me burst. A waterfall of tears flowed freely accompanied by deep soulful sobs. Although I still cry every single day, I had not cried this deeply in months. I got angry, and in between tissues I prayed and I asked a lot of questions. “Who do I think I am to deserve this gift? I’ve been selfish! Please forgive me. I don’t know if I can be as loving and kind as Michael is. I don’t know if I have what it takes to care about others the way I should. I cannot write from my heart anymore…it’s gone…I feel silence inside! It’s as if that creative spark has found a place to hide again. That feeling of deep love and truth has run away from this undeserving soul. How do I get it back? And how do I keep Michael in my heart without preventing him from moving forward? I’m afraid that with time and being left to my own devices, I will go back to the way things were, losing this precious gift for good. I think I would rather die first! Is this gift for real, or was it just temporary - only a fantasy to be short-lived? If it IS real, I need help to find that light again! How can I do what you want me to do if I keep losing sight of my own light? I need him to hold me while I cry until I can’t cry anymore! I need him to reach out and hug me until my need is diminished by his loving embrace! Yes, this is selfish, but right now I don’t know any other way to express how I’m feeling. I’ve been lonely a long time now. You know my heart…You know my truth. Help me so I can do what you’ve asked me to do.” My sobs were reduced to soft weeping and I lingered there in silence for a while, breathing deeply and steadily, slowly regaining my composure. The silence and the warm glow from the windows cradled me now and settled my spirit. I knew I had said all that I needed to say, and it was time to go.
Feeling emotionally spent and exhausted, I gathered my pile of tissues and headed home. I don’t really remember much about my evening. I was still numb from my emotional tirade, and I think I was just going through the motions - checking messages online, looking for any news or stories about Michael, as I did every evening. Falling asleep listening to Michael sing his ballads, I slept longer and deeper than I had in a very long while. When I awoke, the tune from the song “Hold My Hand” was playing in my head - the one Michael recorded with Akon - and I had an image of Michael standing in front of me holding his hand out for me to take, looking right into my eyes with a sweet, gentle, coaxing look that said, “Come on, take my hand, it’s OK.” It gave me a very comforting feeling and I didn’t want to fully wake up from this lovely dream. But I was curious about why I had this song in my head. I had only heard it a couple times before and I didn’t know it very well. I decided I needed to get on the computer before going to work, find the lyrics and write them down because I was interested to see if they held any answers to my prayers from yesterday.
I forgot that I had left my computer on the night before and when I logged on, I noticed I was still connected to facebook. I was just about to click on the “logout” button when I noticed something at the top of my home page. It was a message from an MJ friend sending a link to a YouTube video entitled “The Rainbow is My Love Message.” I thought, “What? You’re kidding me, right? I have to check this out!” So I clicked on the link and watched & listened to the video. It was a tribute to Michael using the song “The Rainbow is My Love Message” (partial lyrics below) which is sung in Italian. Someone had taken the time to translate the lyrics to English and they were posted there. When I read them, I cried another bucket of tears!! Michael led me to this, I just know it! He wanted me to find this. It holds the answers to all my questions…and more! This was the final piece in the rainbow series of “Michael-incidences” which made everything clear. His hand was reaching out to me once again, as in my dream! I don’t usually get online before going to work in the morning - but my dream enticed me and I just happened to have time on this day - very rare! I would not have seen this message later in the day...
The Rainbow is My Love Message (Excerpt)
I've left suddenly I had no time to say goodbye Short moments, but still shorter if there is a light that pierces your heart
The rainbow is my love message Maybe one day you could touch it With the colors it would cancel the most discouraging and distressing pain
I've become the sunset of evening, you know and I speak as the leaves of April and I live inside of every sincere voice and with the birds I live a soft song and my speech more beautiful and dense expresses with the silence its sense
Some things I didn’t understand that are clear as the falling stars And I have to tell you that it is infinite pleasure to carry these heavy suitcases
I really miss you so much my dear friend and so many things I have to say Listen only to the real music and always try to understand
Listen always to the real music and try to understand if you can
God has brought me back to my light with this one simple, yet profound message from Michael! With these words, Michael has let me know that he was holding me while I cried, until I couldn’t cry anymore. He heard me and he wanted me to understand that every time I look at a rainbow, that is his love message. He is there - I can count on it! Every time I see a sunset or new life coming forth in the spring, every time I hear a sincere voice or a bird’s soft song, he is there! And the silence...oh my, the beautiful silence - he is there as well. From now on, I will embrace the silence when it comes and I will not doubt that it has a purpose! I was very touched by the line “I have to tell you that it is infinite pleasure to carry these heavy suitcases.” Every single time I “bother” Michael with my questions and my need for reassurance, he comes around and lets me know that he continues to believe in me. And I never get the feeling that he is growing impatient with me - he has endless patience - and I have even felt that he takes great pleasure in being able to touch those of us who need him in our moments of despair.
I am sharing this story with you because I believe Michael wants all of us to hear these messages - they‘re not just for me. He wants us to feel his love because it is true and real! And he wants to help us gather strength and inspiration for continuing his work in the world. By sharing my experience with you, we can hold each other up, give each other strength, and share our mutual love for this beautiful soul. I wrote a poem back in March called “Whispers at Morning” in which I asked how I could make a difference and be inspiration for others. The words that came through me in answer to my question were not my own. And it was very clear to me that the message I was receiving through those words was to use my words about my experiences and the things that inspired me to share with others so that they may be inspired also. These experiences feel personal to me, and on one level they are - just as your Michael experiences are personal to you. But I also understand that Michael belongs to the world. He loves each of us individually and universally. There is no doubt in my mind that Michael wants to give us as much encouragement as we need to stay strong and steady in our mission to heal the world on his behalf! He was an artist of the highest magnitude and the purest form. It was through his art that he communicated his deepest emotions and his most sincere longings. He continues to deliver messages in ways that are poetic and divinely inspired, just as he did his entire life. If we are open to receiving them in surprising and unexpected ways, he will not disappoint! God Bless His Beautiful Soul!!!
And now, just for good measure, here are partial lyrics to “Hold My Hand”… gotta love it!
Hold My Hand (Excerpt) by Michael Jackson & Akon
This life don't last forever So tell me what we're waiting for We're better off being together Than being miserable alone
Cause I've been there before And you've been there before But together we can be alright Cause when it gets dark and when it gets cold We hold each other ‘til we see the sunlight
Hold my hand Baby I promise that I'll do all I can Things will get better if you just hold my hand Nothing can come between us if you just hold my hand.
The nights are getting darker And there's no peace inside So why make our lives harder By fighting love tonight
Cause I've been there before And you've been there before But together we can be alright Cause when it gets dark and when it gets cold We hold each other ‘til we see the sunlight
So if you just hold my hand Baby I promise that I'll do all I can Things will get better if you just hold my hand Nothing can come between us if you just hold my hand.
I can tell you're tired of being lonely Take my hand don't let go baby hold me Come to me and let me be your one and only So I can make it alright ‘til the morning
This life is such a mystery
What an amazing adventure this has been so far! Riding this wave of discovery, pain and love has been one magical experience after another. Yes, even in the pain, as difficult as this may be to comprehend. I think it's something only those who are on the same journey can fully understand. Others may hear our words as we attempt to describe the impact Michael Jackson has had on our hearts and on our souls. They may nod their heads and even say they understand, but in all reality, they can't possibly. It's just not understandable - it defies logic. How does one feel such a strong soul connection to someone they have never met? And how can one say they are grieving the loss of this individual more than they've ever grieved for anyone, including their own family members? That just seems wrong to anyone who has not been on the receiving end of Michael's immense light and love. I can understand their questioning and their doubt. I've had plenty of that myself along this path.
