Forgiveness

Today, I share with you an excerpt from Michael's famous speech at Oxford University in London in March of 2001 - one that most of you have already heard, no doubt, but one that bears reminding of what he had to say about forgiveness. (Be sure to listen to both parts 3 and 4.) This is his public declaration of forgiving his father who had abused him as a child. This statement, to me, was one of the most poignant moments of this entire speech, because Michael and I shared much the same experience of harsh treatment from our fathers. Years ago, when I first heard him talk about the abuse he experienced, I remember thinking… oh my goodness, he’s talking about my life! Both of us being of the same generation, we are not alone in our experience. Many from our parents’ generation would say it was just the way things were done in those days. And to that I say, those who believe that the "old school" style of parenting is not abuse should walk a mile or two in the moccasins of those who have been the innocent victims of this type of "discipline." The tender souls of the little ones who have cowered in corners to protect themselves from the hand or the switch or the belt or the iron's electrical cord will be the first to tell you of how this type of discipline made them feel.

Believe it or not, they will also be the first to tell you that they don't want to hurt their parent by telling the truth about them! There's a unique kind of sensitivity and awareness that we have, even as small children, that there must be something hurting this person inside in order for them to treat us in such a harsh manner. I spoke about this in my devotion on compassion. But knowing this doesn't make forgiveness any easier. If there's one thing I've learned on my own journey of healing it’s that forgiveness isn't something you achieve all at once and then you're done with it! It comes in pieces... at different levels... and at different stages of the healing process. The very first time I forgave my father, I felt a huge sense of relief and release from the pain that had followed me everywhere. No matter how far away I moved from him, the pain of that experience came with me, and it effected every decision I ever made in the name of Love. By the time I turned 40, I had reached the end of my second marriage, vowing one more time to “never do this again!” I have stayed single ever since… just to be sure it won’t happen again! But I digress… now back to forgiveness.

I’ve heard it said that the healing process is very much like peeling an onion. Layer by layer, you reach new levels of awareness and insight about who you are, why you’ve made some of the decisions you’ve made, how those decisions have shaped your life experience, and the most important awareness of all… that you have choices which you may not have known even existed until you’ve peeled away a good many layers of that onion. Once you realize that your happiness does not need to depend on the approval, acceptance or even the Love of others, but it is simply a product of the choices you make, it is then that you are able to take responsibility for your own life. And when you are able to forgive yourself for the mistakes you’ve made, you are then free to forgive others.

But remember, forgiving does not mean forgetting. We remember… so that we will not perpetuate the cycle of abuse. We remember… so that we will know and use our own power to make our lives better. We remember… so that we will always be grateful to know how far we have come. And finally, we remember… so that we can use our experience to help others. In forgiving, we release ourselves from the bondage of resentment and we release the one we have forgiven from our judgment. In so doing, we give them permission to stay angry if they wish, but without our continuing to be influenced by their anger. With our resentment and judgment out of the way, they are left to face their own image in the mirror that is right in front of them.

It is also important to remember that forgiveness, like compassion, does not excuse inappropriate behavior. It merely frees the victim from holding judgment and from giving others the power to change who they are. When Jesus said from the cross, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do” he was saying that this crime against him, even though it would ultimately take his own life, was not going to change who he was. He was releasing them from his or God’s judgment, but that does not mean they were released from their own culpability.

As I mentioned before, I don’t think forgiveness is something you do only once and then you're done with it! There are times when I have had to revisit the challenge of forgiving myself and others. As more layers of the onion are peeled away, new unresolved issues have surfaced giving me more opportunities to work on forgiveness. So, for me, forgiveness is always a work in progress. And I would say that Michael probably felt the same way, even at the time he made this speech. He said that we must heal ourselves before we can heal the children. He also said, “I want to forgive.” And I believe this is where it all begins.